Willie

An old adage goes, “When you play a country song backwards you get your wife, truck, and dog back”. What happens when you play a Willie Nelson song backwards? You remember where you put your keys, your weed, and your tax returns.

Someone should’ve told Mr. Nelson that marijuana is a gateway drug. Although at his age one could assume it’s a more medicinal than recreational. Nonetheless, if America is going to win the war on terror, we first need to win the war on drugs and taking out Willie Nelson was step one. He’s been an advocate for the legalization of marijuana for years, and we have to silence these voices or America will become a land of do-nothing stoners with guitars, pig tails, thinking peaceful out of the box thoughts, with no desire to fight the good fight against terror. You are either with Willie or with our President, and I’d advice you to side with the one who was not busted for possession… recently.

All true Americans owe a debt of gratitude to “uber-patriot” Toby Keith for alerting the authorities early that week via The Colbert Report. Its whistle blowers like you T.K that make this country great. Without your help, no one could have guessed that there may be drugs upon Willie Nelson’s bus. My only grievance with the everyone’s favorite flag waving redneck, was on the aforementioned television program where Mr. Keith responded to allegations of partaking while aboard Willie’s bus, Keith replied, “When in Rome…” Pick a side Toby… keep smoking the whacky tobacky and you may have to replace your sex fantasies with images of actual women, rather than that of your pointed boot tip in the ass of a an Iraqi rectum!

Nelson isn’t just recruiting other country singers for his cannabis crusade. Jackass and Dukes of Hazzard co-star Johnny Knoxville revealed to Playboy recently that he too disobeyed the law while on Willie’s bus. “When Willie Nelson passes you a joint, you don’t say no. I was on Mars for six hours.”
Ever since Nancy Reagan set forth her edict that when it comes to the drug epidemic, the answer is “just say no”. Nancy in her infinite homespun American wisdom, taught us that it’s easy to turn away from drugs. So, who does Johnny Knoxville think he is fooling? Peer pressure is no excuse. Even Willie, himself, stopped smoking dope at the White House after the Carter administration!

Willie’s celebrity friends can’t take all the credit for “outing” him. Brazen Willie appears as himself in the recent Broken Lizard film “Beerfest,” where he solicits his teammates to join him in a “pretend” world championship marijuana-smoking contest in Amsterdam. He’s just asking for it!
I was hopeful that the State of Louisiana lock Nelson up, and throw away the key, before he can corrupt the minds and morals of anymore actors, musicians and the youth of America, all of which could never gain access to such poisons, without the help of Willie and his rolling den of iniquity.

There was nearly a pound of marijuana and 91 grams of magic mushrooms on that bus, enough to keep your average crazy, hallucinating, Vietnam Vet uncle, that still lives in Grammy’s basement on an even keel well through Thanksgiving. But is this criminal behind bars as we speak? No. State officials said, “The occupants were not brought to jail because it was not accepting [inmates] on misdemeanor charges.”

The 73-year-old singer and four tour crew members – including his sister Bobbie, 75 – were issued citations for the drugs and released. The amount of marijuana allegedly found could’ve and should’ve resulted in felony drug charges, but State Police Spokesman Willie Williams said the drugs were considered for personal use “because all of the people on the bus claimed possession of it.” (Pretty quick thinking for a busload of geriatric potheads!) All of his buddies took partial responsibility for the illegal drugs. This is an obstruction of justice and I will not tolerate it!

I want justice and in today’s celebrity obsessed culture it seems that I won’t get my fix. It’s a pure shame that the only person who will be immediately affected is the bus driver, who had his commercial driving privileges suspended while Willie Nelson walks free. Sure he “may face jail time and an unspecified fine,” but he’ll probably get a slap on the wrist and some community service hours.
Since this country’s legal system won’t take matters into their own hands I am now forced to track down that tour bus and teach Mr. Nelson and his merry band of drug abusers a lesson. He shouldn’t be too hard to catch since I’ve heard his bus run on salad dressing.