Jul 25, 2011
I live in New York City. The greatest city in the world. Also, one of the most EXPENSIVE! Especially, for a struggling stand-up comic with a day job selling tennis rackets. I pay $1300 a month for my apartment and it’s a box slightly larger than my entire body. It’s so small my dick can be in 3 different rooms at the same time!
Wait. What am I talking about? I don’t even have 3 rooms! And on top of it – I got to pay gas, electric, cable…. I don’t get shit for $1300! The only thing I get is water. I get free water. And you better believe I take advantage of it!
I take 14 showers a day. I sleep in that shower. I let it run for 8 hours straight! I don’t care! Fuck you! And fuck your warming globe! I ought to get something out of this!
The maintenance comes in to fix something – I’m like, “You look a little warm. You look a little perspired. Do you want to use my shower?” I have my parents over – I tell them, “Get in there! Yeah sure, take one separate and one together. Have sex in the shower for all I care. Just as long as the water’s running!
And don’t be afraid to flush 3 times. I don’t care if you just peed. Pee again! Where do you think you’re going? Sit your ass back down on that toilet seat, Grandma!”
Now, that I’m living in New York, friends of mine back home in Pennsylvania – they all want to live vicariously through me. Like my one friend he emails me, “Man, you’re single, living in New York. Must be an exciting life?”
And I’m like, “Yeah, what can I say? It’s pretty glamorous” as I sip a Ramen noodle out of a plastic cup, wearing my least dirty clothing, underwear I washed in the sink, staring at a blank TV screen, surrounded by a bunch of candles because the paying of one more excessive electric bill is going to force me to move into Battery Park! And I’m like, “Yep. I’m really living the dream here. Yeah, later I’m going to walk over to the East River and fill up my water bottle.”
Another of my comedian friends, he calls me up and he’s like, “Man, you’re doing comedy in New York City – it must be awesome!” And I’m like, “Yeah, it’s pretty awesome. Last night, that audience of 2 non-speaking immigrants were dually impressed that I even showed up. It’s pretty awesome!”
At this point, I’m living vicariously through the homeless guy down the street. The other night we ate rat on a stick. It was pretty yummy!
I was actually thinking about becoming a terrorist. I’m pretty sure it pays better than my current job. Not to mention, they’re not in an office all day, they get to spend a lot of time outside… Plus, I hear there’s actually openings available.
I like when you go to one of these eateries in New York and you order something and the guy behind the counter gives you that disappointed look because apparently you didn’t order enough. It’s like, “Hey, listen asshole! There’s 27,000 other pizza places in this city! You should be HAPPY I chose yours to order 5 napkins and a tap water at! Now, are you going to give me that key to the bathroom or what?”
The more I do stand-up comedy, the more I find myself practicing what I would say if and when I go homeless. I think I’d just stick to honesty. I’d probably just put a sign up: BECAME A FULL-TIME COMIC. STUPID.