Feb 13, 2011
…that are really for men.
The biggest of all Hallmark Holidays is upon us and if you’re a dude, you’re left scrambling to get the perfect gift for your special lady friend. From chocolate, to a dozen roses to a dozen roses covered in chocolate – you’re going to be shelling out big bucks for a bunch of crap you really don’t want to buy and will at most provide one to three moments of actual “joy” for the recipient. How many cupid plushies that say “I love you” does your wife really need?
But you have buy them! No man has ever survived not showering his woman with a gaggle of gifts on Valentine’s Day? Why do you think Henry the 8th beheaded all his wives? He could never think of a good enough Valentine’s Day gift! (It was the 8th right?) But this year why not spice up your gift by getting her what YOU really want for Valentine’s Day. You just have to try and bill your gifts as chick friendly and hopefully your Valentine won’t notice their hidden, intended true recipient. So buy that oversized novelty “Your Mine” balloon from the super market, but just be sure to suck all the helium out to make yourself talk funny…
Flower Pot Beer Keggerator
You haven’t had the guts to go out and by that Mini Heineken Beer Keggerator you’ve been dreaming about without permission from the old ball and chain.. because you know the answer would be NO. But if you retrofit said kegerator as a beautiful large pink flower pot complete with heart a shaped spout, you’ll be good to go… Now she can’t complain about your drinking “issue” when she thinks your helping her with her gardening. “So romantic of you to want to work on my flower hobby with me.”
Sex Swing Beach Hammock
Generally anything involving sex is really a present for the guy. That crotchless, nipleless, string thin lingerie that gives your girlfriend rug burn, you picked her up on sale from Victoria’s Secrete; that’s all you buddy. Women don’t care about all that jazz, they just want you to do your business so they can move on with their day. You’re like a kid pestering for a cookie for Christ sake! But if you want to trick your sweetheart into having some hot kinky sex in a swing this Valentine’s Day you need to only dress it up as a lovely Beach Hammock adorned with a sun umbrella. Throw in a cute How To Set Up Your Hammock instruction pamphlet placing it between two palm trees and it will really make it seem authentic. Now you’re not having “gross, dirty sex” in a “porno contraption” but rather just happen to be making love in your wife’s hammock. Make sure to erect the swing behind some big bushes so as the neighbors can’t see you.
Star Wars Light Saber Replica Dipped in Chocolate
This Valentine’s Day may The Force be with you! So you’ve tried to make your lovely lady into your very own Princess Leia, but she’s really not digging the thousands of dollars you have invested in vintage 1977 Luke Skywalker action figures or the enormous 1/5th scale Death Star you’ve built in the basement. In fact your princess has put her foot down and you are forbidden from purchasing anymore of that – as she calls it “Star Wars crap that’s preventing you from focusing on your career, you’re 30 years old for Christ’s sake, get a real hobby.” You need to make like a Wookie and think fast or you’re never going to be able to purchase the forty dollar Anakin Skywalker Commemorative Light Saber Replica that will look great on your shelf next to the gold plated Boba Fett head. So here’s what you do; order your prized Light Saber Replica, then take it to the Godiva Chocolatier shop at the mall and have them dip the entire Light Saber in chocolate. Present it to your princess as a Valentine’s Day Chocolate Love Rod and watch her heart melt. Then slightly insinuate that she’s been gaining weight and guilt her into not eating the chocolate. Now you have a kick ass light saber that will be totally tasty!
Thai Massage Happy Ending Spa Getaway
This Valentine’s Day surprise your lady with a his and hers spa getaway.. at a back alley Thai Massage Parlor. You know; that kind of Thai Massage parlor. Print up a couple of faux pamphlets on what a “luxury” rejuvenating spa and massage treatment they offer. To really sell it, complain about how your boss at work takes his wife there all the time – the rich bastard, but hey it’s Valentine’s Day and why can’t we live like that too? Unless she’s a spa aficionado your Valentine won’t know the difference and the Asian gals who work there will be super excited to see her since she’ll be the first woman they’ve seen at the joint in years. Unfortunately the mud wrap is just the dirt and grime in these unsanitary conditions, the cucumbers over her eyes were last ripe during Bush’s first term and the Hot Mineral Jacuzzi is just “Lawan” pouring some off brand bottled water over your head. But just remember while she’ll be getting a facial, you’ll be having yourself a very happy ending.
Terminator 2 Skull Box Set Necklace
You’ll be back- in your sweetheart’s good graces when you get her this sparkly, shiny Terminator 2 Skynet Edition- Box Set shaped like the T-800 Endoskeleton! After all, women say they always “want something shiny” for a gift, right? Now you’re getting her exactly what she wants! Simply slap a chain on that Terminator head and bam! It’s a necklace with an adorable pendant. Now that is some major bling! Tell your gal that you heard Kim Kardashian is wearing a necklace just like it and she’ll swoon all over it. I bet she’ll look as sexy as Linda Hamilton in camo pants with this head dangling around her neck. This way you don’t have to explain why you forked over $150 for a movie you already own on VHS, Betamax, Laser Disc, DVD, Blu-Ray, HD DVD, Digital Download, Play Station Portable, and have pre ordered on several technologies that haven’t been invented yet (Give me a shout out in the comments if you actually own Terminator 2 on Play Station Portable like I do!). Eventually your lady will retire her “necklace” to her jewelry box due to constant neck strain and you can enjoy Arnold grunting in 18 different languages. It doesn’t get much more manly then that this Valentine’s Day unless you fought off a T-1000, with your bare hands stopping it from attacking your wife who is pregnant with the future leader of “the resistance.”
BBQ Grill Bath & Body Works Lotion Basket
In the middle of February nothing makes you feel more like a man like roasting animal flesh on a giant gas powered outdoor grill. Sadly your grill seems small and puny; luckily there is a sale on grills down at Home Depot. However you already have a grill, and your lady would be happy with you just using a –scoff- mini Hibachi coal grill! What do you do? You guessed it: this Valentine’s Day get your woman a BBQ Grill Bath and Body Works Lotion Basket. The only time a man should go into Bath and Body Works is to purchase a gift for his lady friend and therefore we will make an exception while you head on over and pick up an assortment of lilac scented body washes, orange peel body scrubs, dandelion facial rubs and apricot anal ointments. Once you have these feminine items, order your monstrosity of a meat cooker grill and fill it with them, arranged in lovely Valentine’s Day basket. Your gal will be so excited to about all her vanilla scented bath candles that she will ignore you getting your barbeque on out back!
Semi Automatic Salad Shooter
Nothing says manly like the power of a semi automatic rifle in your hands. But your old lady won’t let you get one because of “the children,” or her wussy, liberal anti gun political stance or that you shot yourself in the foot the last time you went to target practice with your Uncle Ned. So
It’s a machine gun that shoots out salad!
this Valentine’s Day indulge in buying yourself the gift you always wanted but SHE wouldn’t let you get- a semi automatic weapon! She’s always wanted that super duper salad shooter at Bed Bath and Beyond that YOU didn’t want to fork out the dough for. (Who needs to shoot salad? Use a knife and fork!) So now make the both of you happy buy getting her a Semi Automatic Salad Shooter. Go to your local Super Wall Mart and purchase a semi automatic rifle, then go to the food department, buy some lettuce, tomatoes, celery and croutons and stuff them into the ammunition chamber. Now you’ve got the ultimate home salad chopping device AND a great killing machine! It’s just going to cost you a little more to buy rubber based bowls that won’t break when you fire your into them.
Fancy Dinner… at Hooters
First off; have you ever actually eaten at a Hooters? If you hired a crazy homeless person to prepare you a meal in their tent city, makeshift cardboard kitchen whatever cholera infested concoction from hell their diseased mind came up with would be more edible then Hooters Chicken Wings. How hard is it to make a chicken wing, honestly? But we all know the reason you dine at a Hooters is because you are allowed to break the social taboo and openly ogle at barley covered breasts. And isn’t that what Valentine’s Day is really all about? Big, heaving breasts. And not just your significant other’s breasts: Valentine’s Day should be a celebration of ALL breasts.
Therefore what a better place to honor the passionate love of breasts than your local Hooters franchise where breasts abound? But before you run into the next room and rip your lady away from watching the Oprah Network to discuss your V-Day dinning plans, think about her reaction to; “Hey honey, I’m going to take you to Hooters for Valentine’s Day this year!” You’ll be out on the street cooking with that homeless guy before you know it. No; this one is going to take some preparation… You are telling your sweet Valentine that you have reservations at a fine French restaurant, “Hootiers.” Order catering from a gourmet food chef and have it delivered to the Hooter’s restaurant. Slip the Hooters Hostess a ten spot (that’s all it will take) to look the other way while your personal caterer dons the “delightfully tacky” bar table with a white linen table cloth, Waterford Chrystal and Lennox Silverware complete with that mini hors d’oeuvre fork you never know what to do with. If your loved one questions why the other tables are being served by big bosomed, scantily clad bimbos assure her that they are French and that’s just part of their culture. Then sit back, enjoy your white wine and Mussels mariniere with a side of seins (that’s French for boobs!)
