You might want to sit down for this one, it could take a while. There is no holiday worse than Valentine’s Day. First off, it is the only one on this list that can be deemed a “Hallmark Holiday”. I believe that’s the first rule of being a legitimate holiday, you can’t be made up by a greetings card company.
Second off, this holiday is the most depressing and prejudice of them all. It only applies to people who are in a relationship with someone they like. Come on, I’ve seen more men drink Smirnoff Ice than people in good relationships, there are more black people in Utah than happy couples, there are more Jews in the NBA than healthy relationships, need I go further? I needn’t, but I will.
Third off, as I’ve mentioned before this is a “Hallmark Holiday”, so in other words, it’s not a real holiday, it’s not recognized by the National Board of Holidays and Special Events. So by taking part in this shame those of us who participate in it are in turn following a false idea or belief. I believe the last time that a group of people followed something like that Moses broke the Ten Commandments; let’s try to not have a repeat of that.

So, if you want something worth while to celebrate on February 14th why not celebrate Oregon Day? Haven’t heard of it, well I made it up. Today in 1859 Oregon was admitted into these United States as the thirty-third state. Why don’t we celebrate all that Oregon has contributed to the country instead of being slave to a Hallmark holiday. Most notably Oregon has brought us its famous trail. That trail got me through some tough times, like when I got dysentery and then when I tried to walk across the river, but it was too deep and my oxen died and I lost all my food. The trail was there for me. Also, do you like trees and all they provide? Well, Oregon is one of the biggest exporters in the lumber industry. What about seafood? Finally, it is the only state in the nation where you can buy a switchblade in a pawn shop. Anywhere else in the country you’d have to do your switchblade shopping at a knife store or Wal-Mart, but who knows where they are? I don’t even think they have them on the West Coast. That by itself should be enough to trump Fauxentine’s Day. And if Oregon doesn’t do it for ya, it’s also Florence Henderson’s birthday, she was kinda hot.