Jun 24, 2011
In honor of Woody Allen’s latest film, Midnight in Paris, which deals with the problems of living in a “Golden age,” and the downside of being nostalgic, I’ve decided to highlight a period in time that some people I know are not only yearning to relive…but are actually still stuck there….
10. You Still Jerk Off to Pamela Anderson
Come on guys, fake tits are so 1995. Plus she’s pushing 50 now isn’t she? I wonder how that barb wire tattoo looks like after 20 years of sun damage and wrinkles.
9. You Actually Buy Porn
Back in the 90s you had to go into an “adult” store and sift through piles of porno next to guys who resembled Charles Manson and you prayed that some insane gunman didn’t shoot up the place. Not because you would die, but because you didn’t want your grandma knowing that you were in a sleazy porno shop! For God’s sake, take advantage of internet anonymity!
8. You Wear Long-Sleeved Flannel Shirts
This looked died with Kurt. For everyone that is less than 30 years old, I’m referring to the band that Dave Groul was in before Foo Fighters. If you don’t know who Foo Fighters is, then maybe you’re not old enough to be looking at the SAW website?
7. You Have a Bowl Cut and Hair Parted in the Middle
I always hated this look. Maybe it was because my hair would become puffy when I tried to grow it out and now I’m naturally prejudiced to this look? Sorry, but looking like you have an ass on top of your head just isn’t cool anymore.
6. You’re still hung up on the east coast west coast rap beef
I’ll admit it, as a hip-hop fan, I still reminisce about what I refer to as the “golden age of rap”. It was before auto tune and before Jay-Z killed auto tune. It’s when white kids like me who were pussies would live vicariously through “gangsta” rappers who were more than likely pussies themselves, but they really acted tough.
5. You Still Use the Term “Surfing the Net”
My Mom doesn’t even use this term anymore. Try to conform a little bit and stop using this dated phrase.
4. You Still Own a Beeper
There is absolutely no excuse for this. With the abundance a cheap, much more convenient methods of communication in this day and age, why would you insist on using a beeper? I know that in 1991 when someone showed you how to spell words when you paged your pimple faced boyfriend/girlfriend, you thought that this was the height of modern technology. Guess what, you were wrong! You can text people in real time and you’re not limited to numbers!
3. You still say “Whasaaaaaaap!!!”
When you answer your best friend’s phone call-I’m going to say it so your friend doesn’t want to say it to you and hurt your feelings. It’s not funny now, in fact it was never fucking funny you retard! People who found “Whasaaaaap” funny were the same people who laughed at that Baby Dinosaur on that shitty TV show. They are the same people who didn’t “get” Seinfeld, but thought ALF was fucking hilarious.
2. You Still Think Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise is Hot (if you’re a woman or a gay dude)
I’m no homo so I choose not to explain this one in detail. It’s pretty self explanatory. There are plenty of younger hot guys in Hollywood.
1. You’re Still Pissed at Judge Lance Ito
In 94’ when the not-guilty verdict was announced, I was pissed! The whole trial was a spectacle and it showed many flaws in our justice system. But guess what? I’m not sure if you heard, but OJ is in jail for robbery. So it’s OK to let it go. He’s probably getting a hair brush up his ass as I type.
