Oct 13, 2005
I never get bored and I don’t understand people who do. In this day and age with all the things life has to offer, from Internet Dating to Ecstasy how can anyone not find something to occupy their time? But for those of you who can’t find the right fetish to get into, here is a helpful guide to Fun Things To Do When You’re Bored:
10. Throw a Going Away Party for Your Suicidal Friend
Go over to his apartment and surprise him with a big cake that says “We Don’t Appreciate You Now, But We’re Going to Miss You When You’re Gone…..We’ll See!” That way when he finally does make that Final Decision you don’t have to have that awkward thought “But I never got to say goodbye.”
9. Take a Shit in the Sink
A true classic. Nothing cures boredom like taking a dump in the sink. The key to this one is shitting in a sink where you will never be found out. High School is great for this move. Sneak in the boys bathroom during class when no one is around. Drop trow and plop a loaf right in the sink. Get all of your buddies to come in and check it out. Hysterical. Incidentally my High School Janitor committed suicide.
8. Go To a Bakery and Plug all of the Donuts with Donut Holes. This fucks the bakers shit right up.
7. Go To a Terminally ill Patients Hospital Room and Pull The Plug
….Then put it back in really quickly. Sometimes I go up to the nursing home run into elderly patients rooms and randomly pull the pug. “Ooh got ya!” You should see the look on their face- its the best. Also nursing homes are good for shitting in the sink (see number 9.)
6. Go Up To a Dog and Bark at Him.
Seriously, just try it. They get really confused.
5. Replace all of the Babies at the Hospital Nursery With Squids.
This one is great because some people don’t even know the difference- what with babies with those big bald heads. Sometimes shrimp works well too. What’s more you would be surprised how much money a healthy Caucasian baby can go for on the black market.
4. Scream at A Strangers Crotch
For this one you have to dress nice and be well mannered for it to be fun. If you already look like a homeless guy, it takes away the fun factor. So put on your best sweater and go for a ride on the bus. Sit down next to an elderly lady or a businessman and keep to yourself, don’t say a word. Then halfway through the ride lean over their crotch and get as close as you can, screaming at the top of your lungs. Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Then act like nothing happened.
3. Go to The Video Store and Switch The Children’s Movies with The Porno’s.
Go in the back of the video store and Take Divorced and Horny Housewives 3 and switch it with the Muppet Movie; its kind of like a practical joke on the whole community. On one hand you have some 40 year old guy masturbating to Miss Piggy. On the other you have some little kid is in the playroom asking: “Mommy? Why does Barney want the children to spank him?” That’s big and it’s purple, but it’s not Barney.
2. Walk out of a Crowded Restaurant and Vomit in Front of The People Waiting To Get In.
Go to a Ruby Tuesday’s or a Chili’s on a Friday Night and wait till there’s a big line brewing. Then walk out all nonchalant as if you just ate and start puking violently on the sidewalk. When some douche asks you if you’re OK, reply “Yes! The portions were so big, yet reasonably priced I ate too much and had to vomit! What a good bargain! Mmmmm.”
1. Poke Holes In Your Roommates Condoms.
This one is a real pisser: If you got a roommate you hate or a close friend you want to clown on, take his condoms and poke holes in them when he’s not around. You can tell him about it in a couple months and who knows maybe if he’s a good sport hell name the kid after you.
