May 9, 2006
People who leave large spaces in between cars while in traffic fuck up the life flow of the universe. You’re sitting in a long line of cars, it’s rush hour. Every green light is a precious beacon of hope that you will be spared that extra five to ten minutes of your life, waiting to move forward.
Every inch of pavement is crucial in securing your passage on to the next block and cycle of Green – Yellow – Red. In a line of ten to twenty cars every centimeter counts to ensure that you will make it through. Yet perplexingly the guy in front of you in the Honda Accord with the “Peace is Patriotic” bumper sticker does not seem to understand these principles. He has left a gap between himself and the next car large enough to fit a fleet of Arnold Schwartzeneggers Hummers. The light turns Green, the people at the front of the line begin to move forward into the land beyond the red light… on to their jobs, their homes, their loved ones, on with their lives.
But…. You are behind the Honda Accord with the “Peace is Patriotic” bumper sticker. By the time he crosses the gulf he has left and reaches the light it has turned red and you sadly are stuck there for another cycle of Green – Yellow – Red. Another span of time spent waiting in traffic that you will never, ever regain. Time you could have used writing that novel you had always dreamed of instead of working a dead end, meaningless job. Time you could have spent with your children, instead of letting them fall into a life of drugs and crime. Time you could have spent fellating your husband instead of denying to yourself he is fucking whores. Anyone who lives in a highly congested traffic area, big cities, LA, Boston, NYC is quite familiar with this daily transgression. But this has become a large plight for humanity across the country and around the globe.
Surely this is just the cause of old fashioned Road Rage right? Road Rage? HA! Road Rage is nothing compared to what The Space People are responsible for. Yeah, they are responsible for Road Rage, but saying that leaving a space in traffic is their sole atrocity is like getting mad at the Nazis just for killing the retards.
The Space People are the reason we don’t have a cure for Cancer.
Let me break it down for you: It’s morning rush hour. The guy in front of you didn’t move up far enough, causing you to miss the light and making you late for your job as a research assistant to Dr. Frankenbaum who was in desperate need of his morning coffee. Agitated at having to go get the coffee himself he spills its contents all over what he would have discovered is the formula for a Cancer vaccine.
The Space People cause a depletion of work time, recourses and it effects the global economy.
The Space People are the reason we are dependent on the Middle East for Oil. If we didn’t spend so much time waiting at the red light, we would save an exponential amount of gasoline leading to reduced amounts of pollutants from exhaust and gas fumes in the air. But perhaps The Space People are like me and hate the environment: Save The Environment! Save the Environment! Fuck the Environment! I want a big industrial strength toilet that uses so much water that every time I flush it a village in Africa is wiped out by drought. That’s right, when I take a shit, I want children to starve.
• The Space People are the reason for 9/11.
• The Space People are the reason for poverty in the third world.
• The Space People are the reason Bush is president.
• The Space People are the reason Americans are overweight.
• The Space People are the reason Jesus has not Returned.
• We would be living on mars right now if it weren’t for the space people.
The amount of time spent waiting on your car for some lazy bastard to move forard five feet so you can make the light leads to all of these problems and more. The advancement of the human rac itself is burdened by The Space People. Move your car up an extra few feet when you’re in traffic. That’s patriotic, asshole.
