May 21, 2006
Sure, fucking an older woman is fun when you’re actually doing the fucking, but everything leading up to the sex pretty much blows. However, nothing blows quite as hard as going to see her eleven-year-old son’s spring concert.
I mean, there’s usually a system of checks and balances, for instance: knowing her head will be methodically ramming into the unlocked bedroom door while I pound her from behind is worth riding shotgun in the minivan to pick her kid up from soccer practice. Or having her and I take her son trick-or-treating in a two-person horse costume so I could covertly fuck her while we walk from house to house is worth waiting in line a K-Mart to buy that little cunt rag his Harry Potter lunch box. But listening to three hours of tone-deaf retards butcher my favorite songs needs to be reciprocated with some of the nastiest, freakiest, most traumatizing sexual experiences I can imagine.
Of course I decided this before the first intermission. So as soon as the curtain dropped I dragged her to the lobby and had her suck me off under the refreshment’s table. Naturally, she expressed how inappropriate she thought it was, but I reminded her that I drove us to the concert and unless she wanted to walk her kid home down twenty miles of poorly lit highway she better swallow her pride, her gum, and whatever else accumulates over the next ten minutes. She couldn’t resist my charm.
As we walked back in to see act two of my own personal hell she realizes that she had missed the parent-child concert photos and begins to cry. Of course I didn’t know this at the time so when I asked, “What’s the matter? Got your period?” she spit in my face and ran back to the lobby. Normally I wouldn’t mind the saliva but unless she used an invisible toothbrush, it means that my nose was basking in pimp juice.
Five minutes later she came rushing through the auditorium door with a Polaroid in her hand. Lucky for me I was waiting by the entrance so her momentum complimented the hardy slap I greeted her face with. Unlucky for me her son was holding her hand and started crying.
I tried to explain to the principal that she had it coming but apparently my actions were “inappropriate,” so I “inappropriately” kicked him in the nuts. Suddenly a couple of three hundred pound housewives with paper machete badges restrained me and dragged me outside. I figured if I played my cards right I could score digits from one of them, but they stayed silent until the cops came.
I never did get to see the end of the performance, but from the little I heard, it sucked. Overall, I’d give the concert one and half stars and I would not recommend it to a friend.
