Jun 7, 2006
Black Miltant Review:
God damn you, Oxygen Channel On Demand! Why, why, why would you have a channel devoted to Karaoke In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, if you have digital cable you more than likely have “On-Demand” channels. These channels allow you to watch programs featured on the corresponding network whenever you like. It’s a great idea.
I use it every once in a while. I can watch all my favorite BET shows over and over. And God bless the man who came up with porn On Demand. But I’ve recently discovered that the Oxygen Channel has a karaoke channel. No longer is karaoke confined to hotel bars for Japanese businessmen. Now you can bring the ear drum bleeding fun right into your home.
Thanks to this innovation I have to listen to the drunk white people in the apartment downstairs singing Journey at 4:30 in the morning. I had never even heard of Journey until I came to college in central New York. I grew up on the streets of Washington D.C. Hell, I’d never even seen so many white people in one place until I came to a private college in Ithaca, NY. But over the last four years, I’ve discovered the mind boggling phenomenon that is 80’s rock. Bon Jovi. Van Halen. Aerosmith. Fucking Journey.
Having come of drinking age in this town I’ve only really been privileged enough to frequent the local bars. And in a town where all the college students are over-privileged yuppie children I’ve heard a lot of this crap. Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing is the most played song at almost every bar in town. I’ve heard the song so many times that even I know the words. And after extensive experimentation, I’ve discovered that every white person knows the words to Don’t Stop Believing. Are you white? Think about it. You know the words, don’t you? All it takes is someone to break out into the first verse and you’re singing along. Here, I’ll start.
Just a small town girl.
Living in a lonely world.
She took the midnight train going an-ee-where.
You’re singing the rest in your head right now, aren’t you? Cracker.
But thanks to the hell that is On Demand Karaoke I get to be woken up by this song every Thursday through Wednesday night by the drunk morons downstairs. And let me tell you, they are no… whoever the lead singer of Journey is. You know who it is, don’t you? Honkey.
But no, there’s more than just 80’s white people music on Karaoke On Demand. There’s country music. Once again, I state that I grew up in Washington D.C. So you can imagine how upsetting it is for me to wake up in the middle of the night to seven hammered college students singing Achy Breaky Heart. I can’t stand the song when it’s performed on key. It’s a wonder I haven’t gone on a killing spree.
The worst part is that there are a few good songs on there. It’s heart breaking to hear The Fugees, Boys II Men and even Snoop Dogg butchered by people who can barely clap on beat, let alone sing along to glowing words on a TV screen. Snoop must be rolling over in his grave. What’s that? Snoop’s not dead? Well, if he heard these people butchering his music he’d shoot himself if the face.
So, as a strong, proud black man I had to put an end to these atrocities. I went down there last weekend. They were singing Beat It. I don’t have to tell you how bad that was. It’s hard enough for sober black people to sing along with Michael Jackson sometimes. So I go down there and, let me tell you, drunk white people are very friendly when there’s karaoke going on. Before I could get a word out they pulled me into the crowd around the TV and put a can of Bud Light in my hand. It was no Schlitt’s malt liquor but I drank it.
The next song was My Girl. Like the phenomenon with all white people knowing the words to Journey songs, so it is with black people and the Temptations. So I had to sing. After that I was trapped. A few more beers and, God help me, I was singing Don’t Stop Believing. I thought for sure I was going to have to turn in my Negro Membership Card. But I wound up having sex with some white chick. That actually gained me a few points. I just need ten more Black Points before I can get the decoder ring. So I’m going down there again tomorrow night to see if I can find another white she-devil to slip my chocolate log to. POWER TO THE PEOPLE!
