Apr 20, 2006
I was probably about twelve when my good friend, Timmy Pells, and I camped out in his backyard one night. It must have been about 9:00 or so when his mother called out for us to come inside for awhile, and Timmy said to me, “Let’s go, it’s snack time”. I said, “Huh?”, and he said “It’s time for a snack!”.
So we went into the kitchen and sat down at the table. His mother opened this little box, unwrapped two little things I’d never seen before, and put them in the toaster. About a minute later, the little thingys popped up again, and Timmy’s mom put one each on paper plates for us. In all honesty, I was spellbound, but I have to admit, almost a little scared, too. I said, “What is it?”, and Timmy’s mom said, “It’s a TOASTER PASTRY. They are new and are called POP TARTS”. I thought to myself, “A toaster pastry? Pop Tarts? What a strange thing!”, but I finally lifted the TOASTER PASTRY to my mouth and took a bite. Thus began my love affair with Pop Tarts.
Fun and fruity decades have passed since that life altering night, and I now consider myself to be a Pop Tart connoisseur. Don’t believe me? Well, over the years I have tried the following: POP TART PASTRY SWIRLS- cheese, cheese & cherry, cinnamon crème. POP TART SNACK STIX- cookies’n’crème, frosted berry, frosted strawberry. And, of course, the wide variety of regular POP TARTS- apple cinnamon, blueberry, chocolate chip, frosted s’mores, strawberry, frosted Wild Magic Burst, and brown sugar cinnamon.
Pretty impressive, isn’t it? And as far as I’m concerned, Pop Tarts aren’t just for breakfast (I wrote to Kelloggs once and told them they could use that as a slogan, but I never heard back from them). I eat them all the time… breakfast, lunch, dinner. All the time and anytime, it’s always the right time for a Pop Tart (I wrote to Kelloggs a second time and told them to feel free to use that as a slogan, too… but I never heard back from them). Anyway, let’s get down to business. With the cornucopia of Pop Tart products available, I’ve rated each variety with 1 to 4 stars, 4 being the best….
Pop Tart Snak-Stix: These suck. They’re overpriced, and so small that you have to devour half a box to feel like you’ve even eaten anything. The limited flavors also reduce their appeal.
My rating: 1 STAR.
Pop Tart Pastry Swirls: Not bad in a pinch, and there’s a pretty good choice of varieties. Still, you’re better off buying a real pastry or Danish.
My rating: 2 STARS.
Pop Tart Frosted Low-Fat Pastries: Key words there: low fat. Fuck that. My rating: 1 STAR.
Frosted Pop Tarts: These are good if you need that additional little sugar rush, but stick with the most basic frostings. The chocolate-vanilla crème, wild berry, and Wild Magic Burst could send the novice Pop Tart eater into a diabetic shock.
My rating: 3 STARS.
Original Pop Tarts: A classic example of how you can’t improve on perfection. With the exception of chocolate chip, which actually came out later, the original flavors introduced all those years ago are still the best. To this day, you can not beat a good old strawberry or brown sugar cinnamon Pop Tart.
My rating: 5 STARS.
So there you go. I hope I’ve made a complicated and often confusing decision a little easier. The next time you stroll down the supermarket aisle, look for the snack that satisfies. Hmm, I like the sound of that.
Maybe I’ll write to Kelloggs again.
