Mar 1, 2006
With today’s social and political climate being what it is, it is important to keep an eye out for secret identities. Often, you may find out that two people are actually one person living a double life. A tell-tale sign that two people are really the same person is if those two people have never been seen in the same room at the same time. A more concrete method of revealing that two people are really the same person is simply proving that the two people have never been photographed together. The following is an explicit exploration of pairs of people who have never been photographed together.
Case #1 
Actor Tom Cruise
and Lansing Elementary 2nd Grader Matthew Linderman
It may disturb trusting American moviegoers to find out that their beloved Tom Cruise has never once appeared in a photo with Lansing, Michigan native Matthew Linderman. This unsettling discovery leaves us no choice but to accept the fact that they are most likely the same person. The evidence has been there all along, but the public never made the connection. Skeptics may argue that Tom and Matthew look nothing alike, but let us not forget how Mr. Cruise has learned to disguise himself during the course of his long acting career. Here is a series of pictures of Tom(Matthew) playing different movie roles:
Tom (Matthew) as Lt. Pete “Maverick” Mitchell in “Top Gun.”
Tom(Matthew) as Brian Flanagan in “Cocktail.”
Tom(Matthew) as Joel Goodson in “Risky Business.”
It is obvious that this man is no stranger to changing his physical appearance and it would not be much of a stretch for him to live a secret life as a seven year-old in a mid-western state. The real question is “Why would Tom Cruise want to live as a young boy?” or more importantly, “Why wouldn’t Lansing Elementary Second Grader Matthew Linderman want anyone to know that he is also a multi-millionaire movie star?” These questions remain unanswered.
Case #2 
United States Senator Susan Collins
and Botswanna resident !Xû Kung-Tsumkwe
Senator Collins did a good job of hiding this one, but a quick google image search of “Susan Collins and !Xû Kung-Tsumkwe” will show you that there is no available picture of these two together. Not only has !Xû never shared a photo with Senator Collins, but sources say that he has never shared a photo with anyone. The image shown here depicts Mr. Kung-Tsumkwe’s one and only encounter with a camera. There are many other red flags that make it clear that this is a case of secret identity.
As Maine’s representative in Congress, Susan was among the members of the committee that created a National Hunger Awareness Day. Similarly, !Xû Kung-Tsumkwe reportedly “enjoys eating.” Furthermore, Susan is a member of the Senate’s Armed Forces Committee, while !Xû Kung-Tsumkwe is the proud owner of a spear. Sadly, the list of people who have never been photographed together goes on and on. It would be far too much work to go through and expose all of these secret identities. Perhaps it would be more efficient to focus on the pairs of people who have been photographed together. Then we can eliminate these pairs from suspicion.
People Who Have Been Photographed Together
President Richard Nixon and Singer Elvis Prestley This picture proves, once and for all, that Nixon and Elvis were two different people. It may be true that nobody ever actually accused the two of being the same man, but this photo is a relief nonetheless.
To conlude, the following is a series of similar images that prove that their subjects are, in reality, not the same person:
Ted Danson and that guy 
Don Mattingly and all of these people 
These helicopter enthusiasts 
This unattractive family 
This family with poor eyesight 
These Fat Jerks 
And this old prospector and these kids 
This search for photographs of pairs of people will continue until all have been accounted for and the secret identities of the remaining citizens are exposed.
