New Years
This has to go; it is the most anticlimactic holiday ever. Everyone counts down for ten seconds, then once it happens everyone yells “happy new year”, there’s about five minutes of confetti getting in your drink and horns being blown in your ears, and that’s about it. I’m sorry, but I do not believe five minutes of celebration should be deemed a holiday, I’ve celebrated seeing a girl’s skirt lifted up in the wind longer than that (plus it provides me with some material for when I have “Andy time”, but I digress). Perhaps I misspoke. Sure it’s a useless holiday, but it gives you the ability to get drunk on any day of the week depending on when New Years is, it’s like an alcoholic wild card, use it as an excuse to get drunk and not be judged. So, what say we compromise. We’ll keep the reckless, guilty-free drinking, the next day off, and the countdown and we’ll lose the confetti and other noise makers and Dick Clark…you know what, fuck it, we can keep Dick Clark. Deal.

Hanukah
Absolutely not. For starters how about you choose a day and stick with it and pick one way to spell your name, then we’ll talk. Is Chanukah on December 21st or is Hanukah on November 31st or perhaps Hanukkah is on May 5th (there are about five other spellings, but I’ll spare you). Let me know when you can make a commitment to this relationship. I’m tired of finding out in mid-December that it happened in late November. However, it does have its advantages, most notably; you can plead ignorance for not getting anyone any presents. “What it was two weeks ago? Oy vey.” I haven’t gotten anyone a Hanukah presents since I went to college. However, two can play at that game, so it can often backfire, I also haven’t received a present since I went to college, but hey, less money spent on both sides, that’s the Jewish way.
Also, I’d like to take this time to put to rest a truth about Czhanu4q?kah. Every non-Jew thinks it’s so great because it lasts for eight days. The logical train of thought is: Hanuka = Jewish version of Christmas + presents at Christmas + Chanukah is eight days = Eight days of presents. And while this formula seems as air tight as the lid Grandma put on the leftover kugel for you because you’re nothing but skin and bones, there are a couple of variables that come into play. I’m gonna lay down a little truth about Hanukkah that you Christ believers may not know. We only celebrate three, four, five days at the absolute max out of the total eight days. There are a couple reasons for this. One, Chanukah presents suck as I’m sure you’ve heard from other Jewish comedy personalities. This is not an exaggeration. Where Christmas is a time to indulge a little and buy that special someone something complete useless, but totally kick ass like a trampoline. The big H is the time when all the cheap Jews (or as I like to call them, Jews) finally give in and buy things for people that they need. Socks are a popular item, so are school supplies incase you’re a semester late. I can’t even tell you how many of those little personal banks I got when I was young. Another reason, you gotta work every night to get those socks and little personal stereotypes. Every night you have to light the candles and say the prayers, there are three of them and no one knows what they are. I went to an elementary school called Beth T’filoh and went to Hebrew school until I was Bar Mitzvahed and all I know is the prayer for bread and that has nothing to do with candles. There is too much work for not enough of a reward, it’s gone.