The holidays are rough for everyone. The traveling, spending extra money, seeing those relatives that may or may not have touched you when you were little, it’s all a mess and just extra stress that no one needs in these already stressed packed days. So that’s why I’m proposing a holiday truncation.

Being Jewish I am well aware of the excessive holidays and I will be the first to tell you that all of the different holidays are a little overkill. A good number of them to go by the way side, mostly unnoticed and uncelebrated like the Flag Day, Arbor Day, and Columbus Day. Now imagine if more holidays were like them. Imagine if we devalued some of the bigger holidays and all the good it will do. Less travel, less money spent, and less time playing “Which Hole” with Uncle Ernie. It will take away a lot of unneeded stress.

Now it is just a matter of deciding which holidays should stay put and which should join the ranks of Earth Day and President’s Day.

I continue this parade with Thanksgiving:

This one is most definitely staying. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday ever. It's like the All-star game of food and then to top that off, you got football. If I was guaranteed to have sex during halftime, I would proclaim Thanksgiving the greatest day ever. Then again, any day where I was guaranteed sex would definitely be a glorious day, but I digress. Plus, if you do anything stupid, you can just blame it on the tryptophan. The only bad thing about Thanksgiving for me is that my family and I always go to my Aunt Marsha's house and she always invites tons of people, related and non-related. Now, it's just the law of averages that with all of these people coming, you're bound to find a few attractive ones in the bunch. Of course me being terrible with names and faces allows me to play the fun game "Am I related to you? Wanna go fool around behind the stuffing?"

Also, the day after Thanksgiving is almost as good as Thanksgiving itself because it is known as the biggest shopping day of the year. Now since no one knows when Hanukah is, the malls are filled with people doing Christmas shopping and it's just so damn fun to see all the good gentile girls and the good gentile boys rushing around every which way trying to get all their shopping done in one afternoon. I like to go on the top level of the mall and look down at all the people rushing about and yell out "Try all you want, but you'll never escape, NEVER! RELEASE THE DOGS! A-HA HA HA HA!!!" Then I go get an Orange Julius and an Uncle Ted's Pretzel and sit in one of those cool chairs from Brookstone.

I lead a very sad life.