Hey, Buddy, Nice Penis

<span id="title-refEl-2586">Hey, Buddy, Nice Penis</span>

Mar 10, 2011

I’m not gay, but I appreciate a big penis.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking “This guy is totally gay.”  Well, I’m not.  Still don’t believe me?  Then you can go fuck yourself.  I’ll have sex with a woman right here in front of you!  Watch!  WATCH!!


How's it Hanging?


What I’m saying is that, as a man with a penis (and a mighty fine one if I do say so), I appreciate to fine nuances of a well crafted wang.  It’s like a sculptor admiring another sculptor’s penis… or sculpture of a penis.  It’s like a skilled musician admiring the work of another skilled musician.  I’m like Eric Clapton when it comes to having a dick.  I know all the ins and outs, all the tricks and techniques of having a dick.  It’s a skill that takes decades to truly master.  But when I’m in the shower at the gym and I see the Jimmy Hendrix of having a dick, I take a moment to appreciate what I’m seeing.

There’s nothing wrong with taking a brief glance and thinking “Wow, that thing is magnificent.  It looks like a neck, all muscular and veiny.  Even the veins are compelling.  They look like a road map to manliness.  Wait a minute.  Am I imagining that?  No, the veins are spelling a word.  What does it say?  Just take a quick look and turn back. Don’t stare.  Oh my God.  It says “YEAH.”  That’s awesome. Shit, he just turned this way.  Look at the floor.  Dum dum dee dum.  Just washin’ my balls.  Dum dee dum dum.”

It’s unfair that society makes it taboo for a straight man to appreciate another man’s meat rocket.  In prehistoric days that size of a man’s crank was a measure of leadership.  The caveman with the biggest bone was the leader of the group because it was a sign of virility.  He was the best chance for these people to procreate and continue the species.  He could also use it to club animals for food.*  But in today’s world it is looked down upon even to tap someone on the leg with your penis when your standing on a crowded train.  How far we’ve fallen these last few millennia.

It seems, though, that this fear of showing awe for another’s naughty bits is an exclusively male phenomenon.  Women have no reservations about complimenting each other’s boobs and asses at any point.  Not only is it not taboo, it’s the best self esteem boost a woman can have for another woman to call her a “sexy bitch.”  It’s an unfair double standard that women can compliment each other in this way but I can’t tell a guy in the shower “Hey, buddy, your dong is a thing of legend.”

I’ve written in the past about the double standard between men and women. This is just another example of how society keeps men bottled up and makes us fear our own nature.  It’s okay for a man to think that another man’s penis is impressive.  It’s okay to for a man to tell a man “Good job with the wang.  I like what you’ve done there.”

It’s okay to be impressed because a truly remarkable penis is rare.  So when you see one in person it is a delight to behold.  We’ve all seen porn so we know what a good penis looks like, but you can’t hold that standard in the real world.  Porn actors are serious purveyors of their craft.  They work hard to sculpt, tan and engorge their members for optimum visual effect.  But the rest of us can’t be expected to do cock pushups every day just for vanity’s sake.  I mean, it’s not like we expect every woman we meet to have a bleached ass hole.  (Oh yeah, it’s a real thing.  Look it up.)

So when my girlfriend comes in and sees me looking at pictures of penises on craigslist I tell her to calm down.  I’m just appreciating the living art that is the male form.  It’s research for my new artistic venture.  Just like how Georgia O’Keefe painted all those beautiful pictures of vaginas that are supposed to look like flowers but are so obviously vaginas.

I want to make a name for myself drawing penises that vaguely look like other things.  I mean, if the world can appreciate Ms. O’Keefe’s artistic exploration of the flappy, wrinkly mess that is the vagina, I think that there’s a market out there for an awesome dick-shark.

It can smell menstrual blood from a mile away... and swim in the other direction.


*According to Wikipedia, human penises were much larger and heftier before the advent of the spear.



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