Mar 23, 2011
Twitter, Facebook and YouTube have helped extend the power of broadcast to a new breed of media moguls who only need a web connection and a Twitter handle to dominate the American conversation. But for every social maven like @GuyKawasaki, @chrisbrogan or @ladygaga there are friends of yours who imagine themselves as the daytime anchor of their own personal news show.
Breaking news, @Kyle80889 wants every one of his followers to know that “the new KFC snack bowl is orgasmic.” It is. But call me to tell me that, Kyle. Not everyone appreciates you combining your various pastimes into a single gravy-laden mass tweet.
But the update-arreah on your wall by your friends who think that you’re interested in their social stream of consciousness needs to stop. And we as social media users need to set some guidelines. Here’s 6 of the most annoying social media habits that you can help eliminate in 2011:
1. Being the Foursquare Mayor of your own apartment
I like to see when my friends check into interesting places or leave tips at restaurants. But more and more I see people checking into their own home in my neighborhood. To me, being a Mayor assumes the presence of a Democracy. And so, to promote Democracy we need competition, checks and balances. So do your part by checking into random homes in your neighborhood. And just for kicks, leave a tip like “Upstairs closet. Great view of bathroom.” Because Mayors with no competition are just dictators. Down with Gaddafi.
2. The News RT’er:
Before Twitter, nobody called you for the morning traffic report. And just because you can RT the latest on the situation in Japan – doesn’t make you Anderson Cooper. You didn’t author it and your hair cannot possibly be the same blinding shade of silver. [And on a side note, yes I do believe Anderson Cooper IS a spawn of Dan Rather and the old guy in the in-flight magazine who has a ripped bod at 77 years old. If you can figure out how to get abs on a 77 year old, you can get A-Coops out of D-Raths. Its basic physics.]
3. The #mundanetweet:
At some point Wheel of Fortune gave people RSTLN. And at some point Twitter needs build “YAY Friday! 
” as an assumed part of the Twitter stream. If you are a #mundanetweeter – you’re banned from the following:
- Good Morning!
- So tired.
- I love kittens.
- I have a belly button.
- Cookies taste good.
- #tgif
What I am trying to say is #NGAFAYFD – If you can guess what that means I will retweet it.
4. Your friend, the human Cosmo quiz
Sending 500 of your friends a quiz to see what celebrity we all most like is, of course, pure hilarity. Somehow, I always end up being just like Alyssa Milano – primarily because we both love baseball. (Come to think of it, on Who’s the Boss – wasn’t Tony an ex baseball player? Hmmmm. I’m probably turning over stones that only E! or a lawyer should be touching.) If you are going to send a quiz, send something authentic – like “How many of you would like to receive fucking stupid inane quizzes from me on Facebook?” On a side note, I did mistakenly receive a quiz sent by Brad Pitt to his actor friends asking “Which poor non-celebrity American commoner are you most like?” I hear celebs LOVE that quiz. Turns out he’s most like Gary Schwartz from Akron, Ohio. Sooo funny!
5. The “Me in a Group with Half Cut off people to show I have friends even though I am single” avatar.
Time and time again, the avatar is conveniently cropped to show you being hugged by a faceless person wearing a nice jacket and Fossil watch. And I get it. You’re single and trying to tell the world that, “Someone liked me at one point in time. They are wearing a Fossil watch which indicates a job or a gift from a loving aunt. So you should love me too.” Its basic supply and demand theory. You are creating artificial demand in the hopes of inflating the market prices of your goods.
Other avatar offenders not making the list this year:
- The Baby-tar: Your child is most likely only cute to you. Leave pictures of children in your gallery where only friends and perverts will search for pics of your kids.
- The Cat-atar: Instead, post a scan of your latest prescription from your shrink. You’ll communicate the same message with less ambiguity.
6. The Auto-Twitter Responder – “Thanks for the Follow!”
Your “auto follow” direct message is as heartfelt as SPAM. Its the email equivalent of Dear [User ID] – Are you satisfied with the size of your penis? [Side rant: The answer is yes but spammers have given American men a penis size complex because of the antiquated-sounding unit of measure – the inch. Large objects and natural disasters are often measured as compared to the Grand Canyon or distance to the moon. Inches leave something to be desired and I truly feel for our European brothers who use centimeters as a measure of manhood. Centimeters just sounds tiny no matter how many centimeters you have. My penis is .003 football fields in length. You can put .002 aircraft carriers on my penis. Don’t bother doing the math – just soak in the impressiveness.
The moral of the story is go ahead, RT this article – Anderson Cooper will forgive you and we need to band together to put a stop to the social media abuse.
For Not-so-Mundane Tweets:
Follow Chris George @imchrisgeorge
Follow SuperAwesomeWow @superawesomewow
