I Saw My Mom Give My Dad A Handjob

<span id="title-refEl-3046">I Saw My Mom Give My Dad A Handjob</span>

Mar 28, 2011

It happened when I was ten. And then again at fifteen. Not sure which one was worse. I think the job given when I was fifteen was probably more disturbing. And done on purpose. They left the door open. And were laughing as I ran away. Plus, my mom did call me in there. But whatever, I had already been scarred from my ten-year-old nightmare come to life.

I am now 30. And I’m alone. And have only felt the inside of a woman’s  vagina once. It was in a dumpster. I don’t know where the rest of the body was, but I digress. Mom? Dad? If you’re reading this, I want you to know how fucked up I am from your wicked little reindeer games.

  • When I masturbate, I cry and then accuse myself of rape. Because that’s what masturbation is when you’re half asleep.
  • I still get uncontrollable boners when my jeans rub up against my crotch. It’s happening now, actually.
  • I wake up screaming in the middle of the night. (This one is actually attributed to my night terrors so scratch that one).
  • I once hired a hooker and when she grabbed for my dick, I ended up biting off one of her tits. Doctors would later inform me this might have been a consequence of my night terrors. But most likely from me watching my mom give my dad a gnarly handjob when I was a kid. And that I should find a good lawyer.
  • I wear an Alf mask at night and listen to Iris by Goo Goo Dolls while lounging in an armchair and stroking a bunny as the moonlight illuminates the left half of my mask. Always the left. Never my right.
  • I eat bananas extremely slowly while staring ominously at people walking by.
  • I like to dip my nuts in ketchup and mustard and then glob them onto the kitchen floor and make a frowny face.
  • I sit in movie theaters and ejaculate onto the person with the curliest, thickest hair. Because they never know. They never know.
  • I love turkey sandwiches. Love. Them. I also love fucking turkeys.
  • After droppin’ a deuce in a public bathroom, I slide my shit-ridden hand down the wall to make it look as if there were a struggle. I also never flush.

None of this is true. I don’t even have night terrors.

4 comments

  1. That was hilarous thank you my friend I needed that

  2. Judd /

    Thanks, Ty. Tell all your friends about this site. It’s super awesome. And wow…and stuff.

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