Jul 25, 2011
I don’t know about you guys, but for me, July 23, and July 24, 2011 will go down as the weekend of the inevitable. A lot happened, but none of which came as a shock to me, or anyone else in the world. Let’s relive the events of this boring weekend, one news headline at a time:
Singer Amy Winehouse Dies at 27 (Source: Yahoo! Music)
Look, no body WANTED her to go, but let’s face it, when your hit song is about refusing to go to rehab despite the best efforts of the people around you, chances are, you’re headed in the wrong direction. There is a difference between a singer who does crack, and a crackhead who sings, and we all know which category Ms. Winehouse fell into. So, let’s not pretend this was a Heath Ledger moment, because it wasn’t. In fact, the only person who would have been more of a no-brainer to kick the bucket would have been Lindsay Lohan…but there’s always next week.
Same Sex Marriage is Now Officially Legal in New York State (Source: Village Voice)
Oh yeah? You mean that city that has been a safe-haven for gays since the 70s would ultimately allow gay marriage? You’re shitting me. They were so quiet about it. It’s not like they stripped down to their thongs, donned rainbow-colored mohawks and rode penis-shaped floats in a massive precession down Manhattan every fucking year….oh wait, THEY DID. This isn’t that shocking, call me when it’s legal for a hooker to suck me off in Central Park and we’ll have something to celebrate.
Dolly Parton Rocks the Hollywood Bowl (Source: Gather.com)
The woman is older than fuck, has the greatest set of tits in the world, and can sing a damn tune. Obviously she’s gonna give an outstanding performance at the Hollywood bowl. Did she sell it out? Yes. Did she show the world that country and gospel music can make our feet tap and our soul sing? Ab-so-fucking-lutely. Did she responds to those tweets I sent her of my penis? No, but we knew that wouldn’t happen, in fact, if she did, maybe then this event wouldn’t have been so damn inevitable.
Suspicious Person Reported in the 1500 Block at 11:38pm in Jefferson Parish, LA (Source: Nola.com)
Come on people, it’s the 1500 block of Jefferson Parish…it’s the weekend…it’s after 11:35 PM. There’s bound to be a few less-than-amicable persons wandering around. Tell that sheriff to go fuck himself.
Dumb Bitch Is a No-Show at TGI Friday’s (Source: Match.com)
You exchange three amazing emails, you set a place and a time, and not only does she not respond to your date request, but she doesn’t even show up to the fucking date. I would be more pissed if I didn’t see this coming. This must happen to me at least once a week. Why are women so fickle. If I see her on the street I’m gonna just throw homeless semen in her face. Don’t ask how I got the semen, but just know…she had it coming. Pun in-fucking-tended.
Semen Tossed in Local Woman’s Face, Nebraska Man Arrested (Source: Lincoln Journal Star)
It was just last week our ship landed in this new continent…oh wait, that was the Mayflower, and that was 400 fucking years ago. This puritan society bullshit is getting on my nerves. It’s not like I hit her or called her fat. Why can’t a guy express his dissatisfaction with a woman with a little homeless semen in the face? It gets the point across and doesn’t leave her with any bruises. I guess the gays can get married in New York, but a man can’t discipline a no-show date in the Midwest…can’t say I’m surprised.
