Jun 1, 2006
North Korea is run by a little guy whose idol is apparently Elvis Presley, and he has the power to launch nuclear weapons while doing a little toe-tapping to “Viva Las Vegas”. Osama bin Laden, might be the most feared men in the world right now, but ya know what scares me about him? His fingernails.
Every time he releases a new video, my eyes are glued to those repulsively long and filthy fingernails of his.
Let me clearly state that I am not paranoid. Thanks to the prescribed pharmaceuticals I take every morning, I am usually always on a nice, even keel that keeps me in a close to zombie like state of mind. However, there are people who are absolutely terrified by what the Little Elvis’s of the world could do to us. But if you wanna get paranoid about something, let’s talk about some things that you really could be paranoid about….
Okay, let’s get Al-Qaeda out of the way first. Granted, they’re a KOOKIE bunch of characters, but the 9/11 incident really was kind of a fluke, and they’re separated from us by sea and thousands of thousands of miles. Besides, possible Al-Qaedaites have that darkish skin, odd names and shifty look to them, so every time I see a person who fits this profile, I point at them and begin screaming, “Terrorist! Terrorist!” at the top of my lungs, which usually brings at least one policeman running over pronto to take care of him.
But as my grandfather used to say, “If you’re looking for dog shit, look in your own backyard first”… I was never sure why he said that. He didn’t have a dog, he lived in an apartment building, and I don’t recall ever going over there and Grandma saying, “He’ll be back in a little while. He’s on a dog shit expedition”…. but I understood his point.
Do a Google on CONSPIRACIES. Guess how many results you’ll get. A few thousand? Hell, that’s not even a drop in the bucket, Sparky. How does 8,940,000 sound? That’s right, over 8 million. But for our purposes, let’s just narrow that down to certain conspiracy theories that over the years have actually been, in most cases, proven true. Trust me, you’re going to find some things right here in the backyard of the good old USA…. hey, watch out for that pile of dog poop… that might indeed make you a little nervous.
strong>COLONEL BO GRITZ: This guy has been around for years, and has a HUGE following of fellow wackos, or as they proclaims themselves, militia survivalists. This guy, and not potatoes, is really the one who put Idaho on the map when he bought thousands of acres in spud-land and began selling parcels to those who believed that the government is plotting to take over the entire country. “Almost Heaven”, the first development there, sold out virtually immediately to future “freedom fighters” who sold their nice tract houses in suburban neighborhoods, and dragged their families to this godforsaken place so that they could stockpile food, learn survivalist techniques (real meaning: run around in Army surplus fatigues and shoot guns at squirrels), and dig holes to shit in since our entire infrastructure would someday collapse. Based on his remarkable success to separate the drove of fools practically forcing their money into his hands, Gritz quickly developed two more communities, these with the macho moniker of SPIKE (Specially Prepared Individuals for Key Events). As an added bonus, buyers could make holy pilgrimages to nearby Ruby Ridge, a place where some white supremacist named Randy Weaver, deemed the patron saint of militant gun owners, got a boot to the ass when he tried to take on the Feds during a shoot-out. So what is Colonel Gritz up to now? Hell, he has his own radio show named “Freedom Call”, which can not only be heard over the internet, but also by shortwave radio!
CIA ACID TESTS: Here’s a doozy: In the 1950’s, San Francisco was used as the base for Operation Midnight Climax, an offshoot of a secretive CIA program which researched the effects of LSD and other mind-altering drugs by giving them to unsuspecting local citizens. In pursuit of a ‘truth serum’ for use against the dreaded Russian pagans, the CIA actually came up with the ingenious idea of turning a house on Telegraph Avenue into a whorehouse that was run by one of their narcotics agents. Teams of hookers were hired, and once a customer… some poor bastard just looking to get laid… was in the house, they were unsuspectingly given a dose of acid, and their reaction was monitored by CIA employees. Now this is an idea whose time has come again. Imagine some unscrupulous individual, someone like me for example, setting up a similar scenario in order to use the truth serum/ acid to get people’s ATM PIN number!
THE PLAN: When Marion Barry, the black mayor of Washington, was secretly videotaped toking on a crack pipe, many black Americans… and white Liberals… nodded their heads and made knowing references to The Plan. Supposedly orchestrated by the FBI, CIA, and other black-ops (no pun intended) government agencies, the purpose of The Plan was to keep the black man down yet again by distributing crack in inner cities, turning them into drug craving lunatics who would even reduce themselves to shining the white man’s shoes again just to be able to buy a couple of rocks. It seemed as though EVERYONE was in on The Plan, but rumors that Kentucky Fried Chicken was helping to sponsor the conspiracy as a way to eliminate competition from Popeye’s Chicken has pretty much been dismissed as being untrue.
THE MILITIA OF MONTANA: From Idaho to Montana we go to visit co-founder John Trochmann and his merry group of loonies whose catchy motto is “GOD, GUTS & GUNS KEEP US FREE”. Ahh, but freedom has a price, so you’ll probably want to open your wallet and make a hefty purchase of the videos, survival food tabs, firearms manuals and cd’s that are sold on their website so that you too are “ready to keep tyranny at bay”. Oh, and their ‘Patriot Calendar Of Events’ will make the perfect Mother’s Day gift this year.
THE NEW WORLD ORDER: Without a doubt, this is the Babe Ruth of conspiracies. With prestigious members such as the uber-wealthy Rockefeller family, Wall Street bankers, and all three major television networks, the ambition of this group has been relentless for over ninety years. Supposedly, the Rockefellers and their allies, working through the Federal Reserve Bank, engineered the stock market crash of 1929 in order to take control of the U.S. economy, as well as being the secret founders of The United Nations so that they could establish themselves as an all-powerful world super-state. Oh, and did I mention that in their spare time they were the forces that arranged both World Wars I and II? Wow! Although they may make you nervous, ya sure have to admire their work ethic!
