Dec 18, 2006
Ahh… it’s the Christmas season. A time of beauty and remembrance. A time of giving and then giving thanks for those things which we are given in return. A time to celebrate with family and friends. A time to love. A time to forgive. A time to appreciate the little things in life, and be thankful for everything that we have. A time to slow down and take life as it comes. A time to relish and enjoy.
But, sometimes all the Christmas joy in the world isn’t enough to satisfy you if you don’t get the presents you actually asked for. Call me greedy, but, sometimes, we would like Santa to throw us a friggin bone and maybe give us what we fucking want for a change. Hell, we’re not fucking Jewish for Christ’s sake.
Yeah, Santa, I’m talking to you. I’m calling you out, homie. Thanks a lot for the puppy when I was 10. That was sarcasm, by the way. Not sure if fat people understand sarcasm. I don’t think sarcasm has the ability to penetrate all those layers of jolly, body fat. Santa, I hate you. You’re so fat and just so… fucking fat. God, you’re so fat. Fatty.
So, to prove to the world what a worthless lump of coal you are Santa, I’m going to document everything I’ve ever asked for on Christmas… and what I actually got instead. Santa, this is war, and guess what? You’re going down like Jenna Jameson on a 10 inch cock (cock is Latin for penis). You’re going down like Mel Gibson’s career. You’re going down like the WTC on 9/11. To put it Philly bluntly, you’re going down hard, bitch.
I asked for some of Columbia’s finest, but all I got was some instant coffee.
I asked for Tool to actually come out with a decent CD, but all I got was 10,000 Days. Let’s get with the program, Tool. You guys used to not suck so bad.
I asked for an 18 year-old virgin highschool girl, but all I got was herpes. What a lying bitch! But, in her defense, she was totally hot and worth it. We’re soooo getting married after she graduates.
I asked for the Season 1 DVD of Prison Break, but all I got was the seasonal flu.
I asked for Steve Irwin to come back from the dead, but all I got was called an asshole for reminding the world that he was mortal and actually died. Did I personally put the stingray barb in his chest in an uproaringly hilarious manner? No, I did not.
I asked to be kissed under the Mistletoe, but all I got was some camel toe. Man camel toe.
I asked for some stocking stuffers, but all I got was stuffed full of bullshit holiday propaganda, crappy Christmas movies, and empty promises. It’s like being gang raped by a row of snowmen, only not as fun.
I asked for Maddox to update his website, but all I got was nothing.
I asked for an answer to all of life’s problems, but all I got was some sob story about some lady who had some crappy kid in some manger because the Inn keeper turned her out for having no money. I mean, what did she expect to happen? (Hey, no money? No problem! Here’s a free room to have your kid in, make sure you clean up the afterbirth, LOL!)
I asked for a new car, but all I got was some sushi. I said Mitsubishi! Mit-su-bi-shi! Santa, you’re a faggot.
I asked for Paris Hilton, but all I got was Nicole Ritchie. Real bang up job there, Santa.
I asked for 4 holiday wishes, but all I got was a stupid genie who would only grant me 3 wishes. Plus, it talked like Robin Williams which was really annoying.
I asked for a decent peer to peer program so I could download all the illegal music and porn I want, but all I got was Limewire and a lifetime supply of Trojan viruses.
I asked for some diapers for Fergie so she wouldn’t ruin her pants when she pisses in them, but all I got was another over produced, over played song that makes me want to rip my eardrums out.
I asked for a hot piece of ass, but all I got was a pyromaniac donkey puzzle and a handful of confused dumbasses who don’t quite understand this brilliant pun.
I asked to be PWNED, but all I got was OWNED by l33t n00bs.
I asked for peace in the Middle East, but all I got was some bloody Gorillamask.net video of a suicide bombing. (Okay, fair trade. I mean, oh my God, did you see the look on that guy’s face right before he exploded? Even Mastercard knows it’s priceless.)
I asked for a PS3, but all I got was a Nintendo Wii. That one really hit me below the belt, Santa. As an act of revenge, I’m gonna kill Rudolph. PETA can suck it.
I asked for snow so I could build a snowman with the biggest carrot penis ever in the history of awesomeness, but all I got was that crappy, fluffly kind of snow that doesn’t pack very well. And frostbite.
I asked for this article to finally end with a cool Italian word, and all I got was some word about a fucking fish.
Fin.
Santa can be such an asshole.
