Mar 22, 2011
Contrary to popular belief, douche bags come in all shapes and sizes. All colors and nationalities. Women not only are able to use douche bags, they too can be douche bags. How do I know? I almost became one. Not a woman. A douche bag. I lived in Los Angeles for 13 months. Let’s put it this way, there’s more douche bags in LA than there are in Madonna’s medicine cabinet.
Well, almost. Because here’s the thing: you don’t even realize it and all of a sudden you’re highlighting a red streak through your hair, getting a snake tattoo on your neck, and walking around with a wool cap in the middle of summer. Thankfully, I got out just in time. I had the wool cap all ready to go. Of course, these are the obvious signs. Here now are some other obvious signs and some less than obvious signs you’ve just spotted a real douche bag:
They’re wearing sunglasses larger than their face
Hey, we can all see your sungoggles! We get it! You’re UV conscious! I’m sorry but sunglasses are not meant to cover your entire face, neck, and forehead!
What? Are you preparing yourself for a nuclear blast? If an asteroid smashed into Earth – your body would be dead, your eyes – they’d still be working. Even Maverick from Top Gun is offended by the size of your sunglasses, douche bag!
They’re wearing eyeglasses without a prescription
Yes, people are actually doing this now. Wearing glasses just to wear glasses. To these people I simply ask you this: what kind of stupid fuck would want to wear glasses if they don’t have to wear glasses? As a be-speckled dork, I am thoroughly offended by this. I have to wear glasses. They help me see! Only a real douche bag would wear glasses just for the look of them. Come on, that’s as fucked up as wearing a hearing aid just for the fun of it. Buying a wheelchair to accessorize your outfit. Walking around with a hook for a hand because the silver of the hook matches your skirt.
They carry around a Grocery List at the gym
“All right, leg curls – check! Lateral pull-downs – check! Go to the bathroom to take a shit – check! Works out my gludius maximus.”
They invite you to their animals’ birthday parties
These people are single handedly keeping the endangered species list alive. Like my one cousin: she’s got a pet rabbit, 2 ferrets, 4 hamsters, 3 kangaroos, and even a parrot sitting in a partridge in a Goddamn pear tree. They got 8 different dogs that they’re “reviving.” Then, she’s all like, “Come celebrate Speedracer’s third birthday! He’s celebrating his birthday!” Of course, you go over there and it turns out Speedracer is one of these deformed rescue dogs that’s got one leg and holding the places of where its other legs used to be are three popsicle sticks glued to his fur. And the lady’s like, “Just treat him normal, he’s just like every other dog….” Ok. Go fetch, Speedracer. Oops. Now, we’re down to two popsicle sticks. What? Is it really my fault? You called a dog with one leg Speedracer! Really?
They use the phrase ‘Happy Monday!’
It started as a joke. Happy Monday! Sarcasm. Not real. Nobody’s having a happy Monday. Nobody! But, now these fucking douche bags say it as if it’s a normal greeting. And it’s not just that. It’s happy walk to the bathroom! Happy drive home! Happy holidays! Happy Hanukah! Happy morning snack! Well, it was going to be a happy morning snack. But, now it’s going to be a miserable morning snack because of you. I hope you’re happy!
They’re trying to “find” themselves
When did you get lost? Was there a time when you were actually lost? To these artsy hipster fucks – I say look in a mirror! Hey, there you are! Unless you’re Amish or invisible, you shouldn’t be having any trouble finding yourself.
They whine about being a sex addict
“Oh, I can’t function. I need more and more and more… Wa Wa Wa fucking Wa”
I’d like to have the opportunity to become a sex addict. I mean, what are these people going to bitch about next? They’re drinking too much, they’re gambling addiction, their wife adopting those two 17-year-old Korean girls Wa Wa Wa… Try having your penis stare up at you like you’re a failure 365 days in a year then talk to me about hardship.
They’re really into Scientology
They’re WINNING!!!
