Nov 1, 2006
What ‘traditionalists’ and conservatives have known for years is a simple biological fact. It is apparent that a woman cannot fulfill her duties in a position of high ranking authority due to certain physical limitations and circumstances that outweigh any experience, insight or intellect she may be able to bring to her job.
So the question on everyone’s mind now that the United States Congress has its first female Speaker of the House is: How Does She Hide Her Vagina Farts? Political scholars and analysts agree; the pussy fart is the downfall of the modern American woman. How we can conduct the business of the state, protect America from the terrorists and balance the budget deficit with the constant threat of air being expulsed from congressional vaginas?
Nancy Pelosi has a sparkling track record as a Congresswoman from California, but how sparkling is her vaginal hygiene? While Mrs. Pelosi is known for her protection of civil liberties, voting against a ban on burning flags, how do we know her crotch is not burning with a desire to cut a juicy fart? The sad truth is that we don’t know.
We just don’t have the foreknowledge to be assured that Speaker Pelosi is not bursting with vaginal flatulence when she enters the House Chamber. And during her thus far short tenure as Speaker, she has done nothing to discourage this assumption. No memos to the media, no formal addresses, No press conferences reassuring the American Public that she is able to uphold the respect of her office with out queefing all over place. In fact the argument could be made that she has in fact made indications that she does in fact toot from her poot. With the banning of smoking in the House lobby she has distracted us from the possibility of her cooter gas. Now you might ask, ‘Wouldn’t cigarette smoke help to conceal the smell of her stinky snizz?’ You would be right, however that’s what she wants you to believe.
Therefore, as a service to Ms Pelosi, her sister congresswomen and the government and America as a whole, we have mapped out the possible ways that the 60th Speaker of the House of the United States Congress can hide her Vagina Farts.
#1. The Gavel Move: The best way to covertly extinguish the sound of a loud queef is to pound loudly on her gavel.
#2. The ‘Twat? I Cunt Hear You!’ Move: Whenever the Speaker feels a raucous, rank twat fart coming over her, she merely has to interrupt the congressman who has the floor by repeatedly screaming “Twat did you say?! I cunt hear you!”
#3. Pet Day: Just as she banned smoking, another decree in The House that could help snatch up her snatch smell is to allow Congress people to bring pets to work. This way she can employ the oldest trick in the book: blaming it on the dog.
#4. Practice Abstinence: Vaginal Farts sometimes occur when air gets into the vag during sex or exercise. When a broad is all wet in the pants (aroused you might say), the vagina lengthens and the uterus moves, creating more air space. The nasty cooch queef occurs when the walls of the vagina and uterus return to their unaroused positions. So if Speaker Pelosi wanted to ensure compliance with a non vagina farting Congress, Nancy should stop exercising and bumping nasty’s with her hubby. Just have a big fat sexless marriage like the rest of us.
#5. Here we go a Kegeling: If old Nance wants to stop the twat poops she needs to do Kegel Exercises. Kegel Exercises are done to strengthen the walls of the vagina by clenching and unclenching a chicks cunt muscles thus allowing her to control the flow of air out her hair pie. In addition there is a sub genre of pornography where queefing is found to be erotic called Queef Films. Those dames know their Kegel Exercises.
