Sep 18, 2006
The former teen pop sensation, turned ex-reality TV star and her “rapper”/dancer husband have graced the world with another baby boy this week, despite my petition to ban these two brain trusts from reproducing. Their first son Sean Preston was born a year ago this Thursday, and now I’m assuming her two sons will have the unlucky tradition of shared birthday parties.
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have proven yet again that brains, talent, and maturity are not required when it comes to human reproduction. At the time I started this article no name was made public, but rumors abound regarding potential names for the largest thing to pop out of Britt Britt’s vagina since Tom Jones. To be completely accurate about this complete non-event, she had a c-section. Before we get into our own guessing game, I am reporting that a source close to the couple claims the name of the new born is Sutto Pierce Spears. At least they won’t have to spend much on monograms. But if this child grows up and actually possesses a few brain cells he’ll drop the Sutto and just go by Pierce. Pierce Spears…ouch.. it rhymes. This is all conjecture, but, another rumored name, according to EW, is Hamlet. K-Fed and Britt Britt are probably racking their brains for the hippest, craziest, and most logic defying name out there to trump baby Suri.
For those wondering how celebrities name their offspring here’s a quick guide.
The Q Rating of Parent A x The Q Rating of Parent B = How Bizarre the Name Should Be.
Chris Martin x Gwentyh Paltrow = Apple
Tom Cruise/Sperm Donor x Katie Holmes = Suri
Other Classic Examples:
Guitar God + Hippie Wisdom x last name like Zappa = Moon Unit, Dweezil, and Ahmed
Micheal Jackson x random Caucasian sperm receptacle + Sex Offender + Peter Pan complex = Prince (or maybe he’s just jealous of Purple Rain)
Its simple mathematics, but we are talking about Kevin Federline and Britney Spears’ offspring and if they could count to 20 without wearing sandals I’d be impressed.
Now, I’d like to take this opportunity to give a number of suggestions to the happy family on what they should name their recent addition. If they do in fact go with Sutto or Hamlet, hopefully the tike will legally change his own name in 18 years to one of these gems.
1. Wigger- Just like his daddy.
2. Socko- partially due to Britney’s obsession with Madonna, who named her son Rocco. When they have a play date it’ll be fun with Rocco and Socko.
3.Marco Polo Spears- Italian Explorer and swimming pool game no more.
4. Macbeth Spears- If they’re thinking of naming the snot bubble Hamlet, who suffers from an Oedipus Complex and is legitimately nuts, why not go the whole nine and name the kid after “that play.” Cause if Britney Spears is your mom, and your name is Hamlet the first therapy session is free.
5. Grammy- both parents always wanted one and now they can finally have one. Also works for Oscar, Emmy, and Golden Globe Spears.
6. Denny Spears- Of course named after the site of conception. To be more exact Denny’s Bathroom Spears, but Denny Spears has a better ring to it, not as classy as KFC-Federline.
7.Shaft- The child will be a bad motha (shut your mouth) I’m just talking about Shaft. The kids will dig it, and all the little bitches will love him at the W.U.C.K.S.A.P(“Washed Up Celebrity Kids Semi Annual Picnic.)
8. Free Bird– Britney is a good Southern girl and what redneck Daisy Duke (oh that was the other one) doesn’t love Lynard Skynard? If he grows up to be a talented musician (genetics aren’t on his side) he will be the first artist able to ignore annoying fans who yell out “play free bird” at any event with a guitar.
9. Manhattan- Posh and David Beckham named their kid Brooklyn, and they’re not even from New York. Hell, they’re not even Americans! Those Brits can call their kid by saying “Where Brooklyn at?” So I suggest raising it up a notch, call the kid Manhattan. Then again, for the whole family’s sake, name him Bronx; its easier to spell.
Finally…
10. Tom, Bill, Jeff, Steve, Bob, Gary, Larry…anything but Sue.
This baby boy is going to be remembered as the lump on the cover of
that magazine. He’s going to be teased for being a celeb’s kid, raised as a spoiled brat, and the gene pool ain’t helping, so name him something to help him blend.Penn Jillette who isn’t married to another semi celebrity named his daughter Moxy Crime Fighter (at least he didn’t name her “Bullshit” after his program on Shotime), while Kevin Smith named his daughter Harley Quinn of comic book fame. While neither of these men are tabloid whores, they still are big enough names to warrant scarring their children for life. Having a name that all the kids on the playground make fun of is no walk in the park, and trust me I know of which I speak.
