Mar 16, 2011
Who doesn’t like grown ups wearing their underwear over their actual pants? That’s right fellas, we’re talking superheroes! This column is dedicated to chronologically explore all movie adaptations of English or American comic books, good or bad they may be, excluding the 1940’s serials like “The Adventures of Captain Marvel” or contemporary ones like “Smallville”. Yes, I’ve seen them all. Yes, my eyes are covered in pus ever since, and yes, I probably should get a life, but let’s get things started!
First feature-length movie with paper origins should be “Superman and the Mole Men”, black and white movie released in the far 1951. Intended as a pilot for a future TV series, the 51 minutes long film later was split into two episodes titled “The Unknown People”. The plot involves the two journalists Clark Kent and Lois Lane reporting about the world’s largest oil well. From the hole in the ground emerge these little radioactive sods, grotesque in appearance but nevertheless completely harmless. The local residents try to annihilate these “Mole Men” as soon as they lay eyes on them, but fortunately Superman turns up in the end to save everybody’s ass. Classic. George Reeves starred in the role of Superman, relatively well known actor mostly due to the mysterious circumstances in which his death occurred at the age of 45. There’s even a 2006 movie called “Hollywoodland” about this very topic, don’t bother though, it sucks balls. Anyway, George Reeves portrayal of Superman is fairly different from the usual “mild-mannered journalist” we’re all accustomed to. He’s got a really ridiculous hat and an attitude that makes you wish he’d still be alive so you could tell him his acting’s worth shit in person.
Aftermath: Superman and the Mole Men = only for the possessed
Second in the list is “Batman: The Movie” from 1966. Official spin-off of the popular series that was airing at the time, the film righteously uses the same moronic style. Even the movies beginning advises: “For the lovers of the ridiculous and the bizarre”, you heard right children, Daddy likes it bizarre. Adam West returns as the caped crusader to confront a titanic super villain team-up formed by the Joker, the Penguin, Catwoman and the Riddler. Describing this movie is like falling in love for the first time: unexplainable if not self-experienced. The whole thing got often accused of ruining the dark knight and that the campy tone reinforced people’s assumptions that Batman and Robin were involved in some kind of pedo-gay-bondage relationship. Nonsense, I say! Evidently those people weren’t really reading comics at the time because otherwise they’d know that batman and the other DC characters altogether were involved in some pretty weird shit.
Aftermath: Batman The Movie = Adam West, burn in hell
Third in the epic list is “Tales From the Crypt”, a British anthology film movie released 1972. (careful to not mistaken this movie with the American TV series that aired from 1989 to 1997) The story is rather simple: five strangers enter a crypt where the custodian predicts the circumstances of their future deaths. I include this for a sense of completion considering the whole thing is aimed more towards fans of B-Movie horror flicks.
Aftermath: Tales from the crypt = as worthless as your appendix.
I’d say that’s it! Be sure to check out my next entry showing more shitty movies you’ve probably never seen. Feel free to contact me if my prose happens to cause you sudden ejaculation, or if you simply want to say: “Kevin, you’re as funny as a child molester”. Bomb me with constructive criticism if you happen to find my list fallacious or incomplete. I’ll deny any mistake and accuse you of ambiguous sexuality.
See you in hell, losers!
