It happens every so often.

Once every few years.

And it must stop.

What must be stopped? Allow me to answer that question with another question. A few years ago during the summer when you would casually mention that it’s getting hot in here, what was that inevitably followed by? Some asshole saying “So, take off all your clothes.” Of course this person was not requesting that you strip down to your nothing suit, he or she was merely quoting the infamous line from that ever so catchy Nelly song “Hot in Herre” (no, that’s not a typo).

But it didn’t stop therre. If that was the only occurrence of this phenomenon, I could let it slide, but it kept coming back. In the form of strict rules from a “fight club” or the unspoken declaration that when something happens in a certain place, it would behoove the engaged parties to have it stay in that certain place. Most recently it has reared its ugly head as the odd combination of car insurance and geckos.

It has come to the point where you can no longer tell someone you have genuinely good news without them saying “You just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico?” If you are one of these people, don’t worry I have good news, you’re a moron.

Long gone are the days when you can say an innocent sentence without someone interrupting to finish it with that familiar catch phrase.

Far gone are the days when you can tell someone that you have good news without their mind automatically going to rate quotes, liability protection, and automobile replacement coverage.

When did it happen in society that saving money on car insurance was the end all be all of good news?

So I am starting a revolution. I am calling out to all advertising executives and celebrity type people to come up with new slogans that can’t possibly become a part of everyday conversation.
Here, I’ll get you started.

Two guys are walking down the street when Guy #1 mentions that he’s thirsty, but he’s tired of the regular stuff, the Coke’s and Pepsi’s of the world. That’s when Guy #2 tells Guy #1 that he’s in luck because there’s a soda out there that’s unlike anything he’s ever tasted before. So, they buy this beverage and upon tasting it Guy #2 says “Isn’t that good?” to which Guy #1 replies “Kick me in the balls, that’s good.” Fade to black.

See, that would never catch on with society. After someone says “Isn’t that good?” No one would ever say “kick me in the balls” on their own free will because such an opportunity is so rarely presented, that when it is, it would be a sin not to take advantage of such a situation. And no one wants to get kick in their balls, except for those fetish freaks, but they’re not even a part of society.

How about another one?

Two women are walking down the street when Woman #1 mentions that she’s tired of her cell phone plan because she doesn’t get enough free minutes so she keeps going over and gets hit with overage charges.

That’s when Woman #2 tells Woman #1 that she’s in luck because there’s a cell phone out there that allows you to pay as you go, so you’ll never get hit with overage chargers.

"And you know what else," Woman #2 playfully asks, “I’m smuggling cocaine up my ass.” Fade to black.

Once again, if anyone ever uttered “And you know what else," no one would freely admit to smuggling something up their ass…except for those fetish people, but we’ve already discussed them.

One more? Alright.

Two elderly gentlemen are at the pharmacy waiting for their prescription drugs and Elderly Gentlemen #1 says to Elderly Gentlemen #2 “I’m dying and the government refuses to cure me so they can make more money”. Fade to red, white, and blue.

OK, that was a bad one and, dare I say, a little tasteless.

However, it’s not my job to come up with these commercials and slogans. It’s your job, advertising executives and celebrity-type people, and you owe it to America, nay, the world to come up with creative and effective slogans that can not be brought up in casual conversation. Sure, sales may not go up and your company may get lost in the crowd because you don’t have a memorable slogan, but isn’t it worth it to have the freedom to ask someone what they’re thinking and not have them say, “I’m thinking Arby’s?"