Apr 4, 2011
We’ve all at least once seen a comic book movie in our lifetime. You probably chose one to watch with some girl thinking it will be so bad that it will inevitably lead to casual petting out of pure boredom. You’ve probably also noticed that Hollywood producers are really adapting the living shit out of comic books these days, but mind you, the trend isn’t new…
First up’s “The Vault of Horror”, another British anthology film from 1973 and alleged sequel to “Tales from the Crypt“. Strangely the five episodes featured in the movie are all based on stories from “Shock Suspenstories” and “Tales from the Crypt”. Already the title is shamelessly lying to our faces. I would more likely appreciate a second ass-hole placed on my elbow rather than watching this movie one more time.
Aftermath: The Vault of Horror = boring and dishonest.
Second there’s 1974’s “Wonder Woman”, a television movie with Cathy Lee Crosby in the lead role of the Amazon princess. Though it received some rather favourable reviews the low ratings nevertheless made the producers decide to cancel any plan there was for a possible TV series. The movie’s version is significantly different form it’s comic book counterpart meaning no whip, an unfamiliar costume and no invisible plane. I regretfully have to admit that I never saw the movie in its entirety, maybe because the most part of the male actors back in the seventies looked like sex criminals or simply because the movie is genuine bullshit. If I was the president of the world, I would build a time machine and send a dozen nuclear bombs back in the seventies. Screw “Back to the future”, that’s really messing up your past! Check out the pictures of the new Wonder Woman TV series that are floating around the web these days, be warned though, the new Wonder Woman looks pretty damn retarded even if she’s hot.
Aftermath: Wonder Woman = unwatchable.
Then there was “Doctor Strange” released back in 1978. One of the lesser known individuals out of marvel’s seemingly infinite character roster, Doctor Strange is earth’s sorcerer supreme with the main goal to protect humanity from evil entities. Stan Lee claimed that this was among the best of his early experiences in the field of comic book movies. In other words he didn’t say that it was any good, just that it was the first to not make him fart blood. The plot is scarce, the special effects embarrassing and the lead actor would have won any “John Holmes look-alike contest” without breaking a sweat.
Aftermath: Doctor Strange = apparently there’s worse.
That’s it, younglings! I hereby formally inform you that there’s going to be an exam about this whole stuff, and failure almost certainly means considerable genitalia shrinkage and in some cases even death. Superawesomewow takes no responsibility.
See you in hell, losers!
