Jan 9, 2007
Move over Chuck Norris. I have seen the epitome of manliness and, you won’t believe this; he is British. Bear Grylls is by far the most badass man to ever live. Everything about this man exudes testosterone. He even manages to make his British accent, which is globally recognized as the gayest of all accents, to sound like he grows pubes on his tonsils.
Bear Grylls, or “Sir” as he likes to be called, is the star of the Discovery Channel’s awesome show, “Man vs. Wild”. On this show, Mr. Grylls voluntarily parachutes every week into some God forsaken terrain and tries to make it out alive. With only a bottle of water, a flint to start fires and his monstrous cock to beat off carnivorous animals, he has managed to work his way out of an Amazonian forest, a snow covered mountain, a Utah desert, a scorched volcano, an African savannah and south central Los Angeles.
I can’t wait to see where he’ll go next. It’s getting to the point where he’ll soon run out of crazy terrains to traverse. At some point the only option he’ll have left it to use a time machine (which I’m sure he built years ago and has stored in his garage behind the Christmas decorations and some old clothes he’s been meaning to give to Goodwill) and transport himself to some of the roughest times in history. We’ll see Bear Grylls club a t-rex to death with his mighty man muscle, and eat it raw. We’ll see Bear survive as a stow-away on a Viking ship for two weeks then jump off the ship before anyone else and be the actual person to discover America. We’ll see Mr. Grylls lead more slaves to safety on the Underground Railroad than Harriet Tubman ever dreamed. Then he’ll have wild, manly sex with Ms. Tubman, because he digs black chicks.
Bear’s dominance over nature and the time/space continuum is quite impressive. But the most kick ass thing about him is his name. He has the manliest name of all time. Bear Grylls. This beats the crap out of former manliest name which was, of course, He-Man. For decades He-Man was the name of all that was man. As gay as He-Man was in that old cartoon, you just know that when he and Duncan were butt fucking each other, He-Man was always the pitcher.
I always figured that the only name that could be more badass than He-Man would be Dude-Guy, but Bear Grylls came along and proved me wrong. While it isn’t as simply powerful He-Man, Bear Grylls produces the mental image of a man killing a grizzly with his bare hands and throwing it on a Forman Grill. And, I don’t know about you but that image gives me a boner.
I did extensive research including surveys, focus groups and drunken bar room conversations to try and find out if there could possibly be a name with bigger metaphorical testicles. I fed all my research in to a NASA super computer and the only name that would be manlier than Bear Grylls would be Hugecock McBitchfucker. But not unlike like this entire feature, that name has HUGE homosexual overtones, and that’s just impractical.
