Mar 12, 2011
So, I went to see Battle:LA on opening night in at a pretty ghetto movie theater by my apartment. Now, when most people say “ghetto,” they really mean Black and Hispanic people, but not me. When I say “ghetto,” I mean teenaged Black and Hispanic people.
You know who I’m talking about. Those 15 year old couples who manage to defy the laws of the Motion Picture Association and bring a 4 year old into a rated R movie. The 400 pound latino boy who needs to validate his intelligence by loudly predicting logical plot progressions. The sophomore girls who wear a pound of make up, talk through the entire movie, then get weirded out when I ask for their phone number. These people.
Now, most middle aged white folks like myself will avoid these places all together, but they don’t know what they’re missing. I purposefully go to the ghetto theaters when I want to watch action or horror movies, because frankly, they are more fun. The screaming, the fighting, the series of recaps given to the guy who was too busy using the last pager on Earth to pay attention to the screen.There is so much going on around you that the movie plays a supporting role in your cinematic experience. And that’s the way I like it.
So, naturally, this is where I went to see Battle:LA. Battle:LA is a two hour action sequence depicting how the marines would handle a surprise alien attack on Earth. The movie lacked any sort of main character throughline and is a complete waste of time and money…unless you think movies should only be about blowing shit up…which clearly is standard philosophy among the ghetto community.
The movie opens with short glimpses into the lives of what seems like dozens of soliders whose names I couldn’t remember and whose character arc would prove to be non-existent. After about 5 minutes of this bullshit and a forced “but I was going to retire today” scene between ex-respectable actor Aaron Eckhart and an ambiguos war buddy, aliens raided the beaches of Souther California. The blasts of their gigantic weapons acted like a baton, conducting an orchestra of “oh shit’s,” “did you see that’s,” and “yo, you’re gay, yo’s,” which started from the mezzanine and worked its way around the theater.
The rattling of the surround sound starts to frighten the four year old girl sitting next to me who was being told by her underage guardians that the film was “Mars Needs Moms.” A clever lie, but a lie nonetheless. The girl’s cries grew louder, as did the negative reinforcement parenting technique being executed by the soon to be cast of Teen Mom 3. Eventually a stranger behind her gives her a twizzler and her tears subside.
That lasted for about 10 minutes. Then the little fucker was so hyper that she decided to Rocky Balboa it up the stadium seating while screaming “Retreat. Hell,” over and over again. It figures that her one take away from the movie was an old World War One saying which included a word that, in my day, would warrant a nice dessert of Irish Spring.
She eventually fell and resumed her tantrum. But that didn’t mater. Things were getting good. Not on the screen, but in the row ahead of me. My friend in the purple Yankees hat finally advanced to second base and was now in possession of a handful of titty. This skillful bastard managed to unhook her bra during cuddle time and was on the verge of popping the goods out from the V-neck. Suddenly, spending $26 on popcorn didn’t seem like such a waste.
I saw a solid three seconds of nipple before she noticed me staring. Suddenly, Mr. Tough Guy gets up and decides to get in my face. Now, you gotta remember that I was a green beret. I could destroy this fucker, but I tried to be civil about things. I told him how hot his girlfriend was, then I slipped her my card told her to swing by my practice if she ever wanted to see what a real dick felt like.
He took a swing, I ducked and then laid him out with a haymaker from the old southpaw. I’d like to say that my fans went wild at that point, but it seems like I was on his home turf. A crowd gathered around me and I had to Tasmanian Devil my way out of there.
I didn’t quite get to see how the movie ended, but I’m sure Aaron Fuckheart saves the world and bangs Michelle Rodriguez. Overall, I give this movie one and a half stars and would definitely wait until it’s on demand.