Mar 14, 2006
Every time there is a tragedy of epic proportions, the grieving public is faced with the tasks of mourning, helping victims families recover and deciding when is a good time to start cracking jokes! The last of these gives us pause for thought: When is Too Soon? Ask yourself these questions in determining the appropriate waiting time before unleashing the floodgates of humor
• How many people died?
• Are words like genocide or mass terrorism used in describing your tragedy?
• Geographic location of the tragedy: Was it even in America?
• Were the people who died brown?
These are all factors in determining if it’s “Too Soon” to laugh at a tragedy. A good old San Francisco Earthquake of 1906 joke never hurts anybody. After all, they’re dead. So, here is a quick guide to the top ten major tragedies and the appropriateness of laughing at them:
#10 The Titanic, April 15th 1912
The designers of the Titanic boasted that their ship was “unsinkable,” but in a great ironic twist, the damn thing went down on its maiden voyage! Cocky bastards. Although white people died, they were mostly foreigners, and it was a long, long time ago. So this little tragedy is ripe for sinking.
Too Soon Factor: Slice your iceberg into the side of this tragedy!
Example: Yo’ mama so fat, she sank the Titanic!
#9 The Hindenburg Disaster, May 6th 1937
The Hindenburg is just silly at this point. It happened 68 years ago and had a paltry death toll of only 36. Besides that, it came from Nazi Germany, with whom we would be at war with a few short years post this event. It would be kind of like a big hot air balloon of Al-Qaeda members falling out of the sky in 1998. Screw ‘em! “Oh the humanity” indeed.
Too Soon Factor: Joke at will!
Example: A giant air ship filled with hydrogen! Brilliant! I can’t wait till they build the nuclear powered 747.
#8 The Holocaust, 1938-1945
This one is a real doozy. Six million white people died in Europe, 60 years ago. That’s quite the tragedy! Hitler was a vegetarian artist who liked to dabble in genocide. He sounds like kind of a foo foo hippie to me. Next time your painter buddy, who lives in a warehouse loft, invites you over for some tofu, politely decline when he asks you if you can “get something out of the oven.”
Too Soon Factor: This one really depends: It’s kind of like how black people can use the special “N Word” in good fun, whereas when I use it in casual conversation I wake up naked in a dumpster with the word “honky” written in blood across my chest. In other words, it’s always “too soon” for gentiles. So your best bet is to get a Jewish friend to make one of these jokes for you. My good pal Andy Kleiman gives us the following…
Example: “What’s the difference between Jews and pizza? Pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven.”
#7 Pearl Harbor, December 7th 1941
Al-Qaeda thinks they are so smart flying planes into stuff, but they are just ripping off the Japanese, who perfected the “Kamikaze” move long ago. The unprovoked attack of Pearl Harbor brought the United States into World War II, and the Japanese into our hearts.
Too Soon Factor: Americans died 64 years ago. Hmmm. But so did a lot of Japanese, so now’s a good time to dive bomb this tragedy. Fire away!
Example: After watching Ben Affleck in Pearl Harbor you almost wish the Japanese had done a better job.
#6 The JFK Assassination, November 22, 1963
It was one guy! You would have thought the assassination of President Kennedy was equivalent to the mass genocide of tens of thousands of civilians in Rwanda the way people get all bent out of shape every time I crack a joke about JFK’s brains landing in Jackie’s lap.
If one white person counts for two brown people, and one American counts for two foreigners, then one white, American President apparently counts for a whole shit load of people! Also, he got shot in Texas, and that’s about as it American as it gets.
Too Soon Factor: Forty years later and it’s still a “Too Sooner” for some people. But when old people talk about “I remember where I was when JFK died.” You can smugly inform them you weren’t even born yet and regale them with the following zinger:
Example: The bullet going into JFK’s head was the first time JFK was the one getting penetrated.
#5 Space Shuttle Challenger Disaster, January 28th 1986.
School children across the country watched the launch and subsequent disaster on live television because one of the astronauts was to be the first teacher in space. Way to traumatize a childhood! A faulty “O Ring” dashed our dreams of a Star Trek future, and sent the space program back to boring orbital missions.
Too Soon Factor:
Five whites, one Asian and a black exploded above Kennedy Space Center 20 years ago. That’s only five white Americans, but they were all astronauts, so that makes them public figures, which thus increases the “Too Soon” factor. Ironically, however, because of the Challenger Disaster, no one cares about astronauts anymore, so screw ‘em!
Example: How many Challenger Astronauts does it take to screw in a solid fuel booster rocket? None, they’re all dead!
#4 The 9/11 Terrorist Attacks, September 11th, 2001
Although it’s been four years already, it’s still a doozy when you try to throw out some 911 jokes at a dinner party. Best way to humorously broach the subject of 911 is to put it in the perspective of “Well at least 19 of those towel heads died too.”
Too Soon Factor: Three thousand Americans died in a heinous act of war in New York Fucking City. Too Soon!
Example: American Airlines will now be doubling your frequent flyer miles for any flights through skyscrapers.
#3 The Tsunami, December 26th, 2004
Close to 250,000 brown people died in Indonesia (come on, it can’t be racist if CNN does it, right? You know, when they give you separate statistics on how many Americans died in any given tragedy? That’s what I’m talking about here!).
Too Soon Factor: Although more people died in the2004 Tsunami then any other single natural disaster in modern history, it was half a world away. Thus jokes were moving quicker then a tidal wave just days after the tragic event!
Example: “This week is Indonesian hygiene week. Thousands will be washing up on the beach.”
#2 Hurricane Katrina. August 29thst 2005
To figure out how long to wait before making Hurricane Katrina jokes, you have to divide by half the amount of time it takes to make jokes for 911. This is because while the people who died in Katrina are Americans, they were also non- whites.
Too Soon Factor: Give it another six months.
Example: If you were a homeless guy in New Orleans before the hurricane, things have got to be looking pretty good right about now! Start picking up chicks at the Superdome: “Yeah man, I lost everything! I can’t wait to start rebuilding my plantation.”
#1 Hurricane Rita, September 24th 2005
Already devastated from Katrina, the nation was all but mourned out. Then in comes Rita looking to wreck some shit, and we’re so supposed to get all teary eyed again. Personally, I think it’s a conspiracy to keep the people living in fear. Are the hurricanes actually just another Cheney brainstorm devised to keep us from focusing on Iraq?
Too Soon Factor: While this Hurricane happened after Katrina, not as many people died from it (around 113), so the “Too Soon Factor” decreases sharply. I say go for it.
Example: What was the most tragic thing about Hurricane Rita? A few people died and gas prices got higher.
Success