Feb 8, 2006
The springtime of youth is a special time to meet members of the opposite sex. Youngsters find themselves with new and strange feelings that lead them to ponder the deeper meaning of the word Love. What is love?
Is it merely the random combinations of chemicals flowing chaotically through our brains? Or is it a present sent from God as to unite man and woman in matrimoneous bliss? Truly though I believe love is a poison that infects our souls for the pleasure of inducing a craving so potent as to madden sane men. Once infected, a boy may become smitten with a girl whom he has not yet made an acquaintance. If you are reading this passage then surely you must have similar feelings and be questioning what action, if any you should take toward this lucky beauty. If you fancy yourself a female who you already have made contact with then you are one step ahead of the game. And of course there are those of you fine young gentlemen with rampantly running emotions who do not yet have a target for their desires. I am happy to say that either way you have come to the right place in your pursuit of knowledge in obtaining the girl of your dreams.
How Do I Meet A Girl? My Future Wife?
Here is a little antidote I like to tell young men in love such as your self: A story that will help you in your understanding of woman kind. Like an opponent in a game of chess, one must have full knowledge of their adversaries mind and weaknesses. So read carefully my friend and you will see how it is possible to make any crush a fulfilling experience.
When I was merely a boy at the fresh age of seventeen, I fancied myself a girl by the name of Isabel. Now Isabel lived in the township one over from mine and so we would have never met had it not been for my late night rendezvous on a peculiar world wide website named SnagADate.com. This was a horrid place to learn the ways of women for an inexperienced lad such as myself, but I was brave in the attempt. Which brings up the most ingenious way of finding your future wife that will love you for all eternity: The Internet. To young to patronize your local drinking holes and to socially awkward to approach a girl in person, it is always best to go incognito behind the glare of a computer monitor. While surfing the World Wide Web a young boy will find many an atrocious specter to lure him into the dregs of society. However something wonderful and pure may be found in the depths of the Net as well. It may take some hard work and toil in attaining your ultimate goal of finding true love, but alas you shall conquer, as have I. For the female is an elusive foe, but you must learn to be steadfast and diligent in your pursuit.
First, logging onto the Internet, it is best to check for pesky child monitoring devices that may censor your playtime. Then you may proceed in your hunt for the forsaken dream of a real live woman to share your life with. This would entail visiting one of many websites that provide young men such as you with the much-needed service of mate pairing. This is a dating scheme that rivals only that of the monkey, who can quickly choose his sex partner randomly and at will.
Upon entering the Snag A Date Chat Room, I quickly found this wondrous vixen under the user name GirlForU_33 who I would soon discover to be my Isabel. The conversation began with a bizarre query of which I was unaccustomed:
“ASL?”
ASL? I asked.
Age, Sex Location? was the reply.
“Seventeen, Male, Fairfield,” I answered.
My love responded with “Sixteen, Female, Stroten.”
Ohh! How titillating was our first exchange! Sweet sixteen and she lives one town over! To my wonderment we were to meet for coffee that evening at my request. Which brings up the next lesson: always pounce on an opportunity when it is presented to you. For example if you find yourself out late at night walking on a dark city street and happen upon a young girl of your age and liking, offer to walk this female specimen home. Do not hesitate to being overly hasty in getting her into bed. She will be happy that you were there to protect her from the mean streets and would more then likely want to thank you for your efforts as I have found many times.
What Do I Do On A First Date?
Once a meeting has been arranged it is always proper to don a fresh pair of undergarments when meeting a prospective bed mate, for you wish her not to see any unfortunate droppings that may have occurred in your shorts. Secondly, after carefully inspecting your briefs you should write out on 8 by 5 index cards what you are going to say to the young lady.
Be witty yet forthcoming with the girl, outlining what special qualities, talents and virtues that you wish to relate that would make you a good husband and father. On a blind date, meet somewhere unintimidating and social. Perhaps the local YMCA or bowling alley will tickle your gals fancy. Or my personal favorite: suggest to meet over a hot cup of joe at McDonalds the way I first met my most adorable Isabel. Oh my sweet Isabel. She was sitting cross-legged in the window of McyD’s idly sipping at a Styrofoam cup. She was an angel: Long dirty blonde hair flowing over the most supple breasts and with such fine rose colored cheeks and a cute button nose, all topped off with a hot rotund rump packed in stone washed jeans. A sight that would make the devil himself weep with envy. Henceforth the sight of my sweet Isabel was as precious to me and deeply sought after as much the way a heroine addict seeks his needle. I could not be without her and I knew right from the start that the feeling was reciprocated.
Now its time to speak! Start out with a little humor to lighten things up. I introduced myself as Ben. “That’s Ben Dover and stick me in the ass with a prodding iron cause your beautiful! Just kidding…” I could tell by the frown on her face that she was trying to be lady like and not laugh at such a daring joke, but that she really wanted to. It is lucky to be a man of charm and you can do well to learn some quick tools of the trade. For instance it is often said that shivelry is dead. Show your date that you are a gentleman and learned in the ways of old. When at a restaurant order for her. A lady should not have to bother herself speaking to the wait staff. I ordered Isabel some Chicken McNuggets and a Coke. Unfortunately she was a vegetarian and therefore dissatisfied with my choice. She politely declined to ingest the animal flesh while attempting some girlish small talk as I labored over my Big Mac.
It is best to move quickly with a pretty girl. Girls who are not so fair, the plump ones, you have a little bit of time with. A beauty like Isabel however has many a young boy like your self itching to get a taste of her so you had better go for it! A very pretty lady may go out any night she chooses and pick for herself a man with which to perform succulent coitous. Oh how I wish my penis was like a vagina chishkabob. With this in mind I took Isabel’s pale, pasty hand as she prattled on about her different shades of nail polish, and kissed it saying “Let us retire to my bedroom chamber”. She jerked back in shock from the erotic encounter. I myself felt my trousers constricting from the fleeting touch of her skin against my lips, a memory that would be thought of many a lonely night. I knew she perceived herself to be a lady for that she was. So when we decided that perhaps another night was best and that tonight may be a good night for me to go fuck myself, I knew that she was merely playing hard to get. It would be soon that our bodies conjoined in a beautiful congress of passion.
How Do I Let Her Know She’s Mine?
It is a difficult thing to admit for the first time to a female that you want the relationship to move a step beyond friendship. Often this will be met with a hesitant response with reference to unwanted sexual advancement and different courts of law. This should not deter you. You should note that most women enjoy being hunted. Like the hound fetching a duck after it is dropped from the sky you must pursue your lady with intensity. You are the hunter and she is the hunted.
Your aim is to achieve as much PSP (Personal Space Penetration) as possible to let her know you are interested. It is a delicate mating dance that we must perform. With Isabel I achieved maximum PSP by visiting her at the Tasty Freeze where she worked after school each day. I took this opportunity as a valued ice cream customer to speak with her while she was at the register, and as was her duty must speak with me. While my love for Isabel served to gain me an extra ten pounds, (which I do pray Isabel didn’t notice) it was an arduous task to find different topics of conversation of which to entertain my sweet heart, yet proved worthwhile in the end result.
The manager of the Tasty Freeze informed me that if I do not remove myself from the premises I would be forced out. I thought it so nice of Isabel to get him to do this so that I did not spend more of my time courting her and not with my studies. Truly this was a sign that she cared. Which brings up a lesson: When a girl tells you that she wishes to see less of you this is her way of testing the waters, she really wants to see if you will still persist in your charming of her or if your just a flash in the pan. That is why you must be resilient in your efforts until you make her understand that she is the one for you.
This was the Wait for Her At Work method. There are several other surveillance techniques to use in Personal Space Penetration but all are null and void if must deal with those others who wish you ill will in achieving your goals……
What Do I Do About The “The Boyfriend?”
In the pursuit of love there may be many barriers that a young man must break before basking in the radiant glow of a young woman’s presence. The most horrid of these obstructions are those other young gentlemen who would assume your role and claim ownership of your sweethearts love. It is an awkward situation, but as that you are a gentlemen yourself you must do the right thing and inform these imposters that you are the rightful proprietor of this maidens soul.
Gently and with ease break the news to “The Boyfriend” that she’s yours. There is no real way to break it to them gently. You just have to say it and get it over with and hope that their feelings aren’t too hurt. I harvested a deep and growing lust for sweet Isabel and the fact that this phony was claiming her like a stray dog lost from its master infuriated me to no end. The boy in question was what we called in my school yard “a roughian.” Chuck, as he went by, worked after school at his fathers auto repair shop in Strotten. Upon going over there one school night, I pointed out his folly, which was met with several blows of a large wrench. And while my jaw smarted for several days hence, I believe my point was well taken as Isabel would soon be mine.
How Do I Teach Her That My Love is True?
At this stage of the relationship it is important to pursue her in every aspect of her daily life as to not let on the impression that you are not interested merely because she wishes to play little games. The most effective way to prove your true devotion to this girl, this mortal being sent from God to torture your soul, is to get her away from those that would want to spoil your happy good fun.
The first step in this process is to keep her a hostage of your love, the way your love for her has kept you hostage all this time. Here are some tips that worked well with my Isabel:
Keep your sweet heart up for 48 hours at a time through a series of techniques called Love Cues. These Love Cues will cue your sweet heart in to the fact that she should love you. I liked to play a loud tape over and over again looping my name with instructions to love me and bare my child. This will give her the audio cues, however if she is more of a visual person as is much my sweet Isabel, also pin open her eyes with toothpicks and place a wooden effigy of yourself in front of her that depicts you in a god like position of masculinity. In order to arouse Isabel I also released a potent Chinese aphrodisiac scent into the air that would entrench her nostrils with my musky pheromones. The combination of these tactics should have your love cooing in your arms. However if she still doesn’t see the fire in your loins and persists on calling out in hatred then you must step up your love giving regiment and quell her fears of committing to you.
How Do I Stop Her Screaming?
If at this point your love is a bit riled, it is always best to stop her screaming by any means possible as to not draw attention from those that do not understand the passion of a lovers quarrel. With Isabel I tried several methods. For your aid in this matter I have listed some ways of quieting your love that have served me well:
First I tried yelling: “Shut up! Shut the FUCK UP!” This resulted in the undesirable effect of producing more tears and dreadfully loud sobbing. The sobbing subsided after I moved to my next method in which I tied oily rags to her ankles and threatened to light them on fire unless she didn’t stop making the retched noise. Although I did find the thought of her young virgin flesh producing a warming glow to be quite romantic to say the least.
If this last method does still not work for you, I have one final solution to silence your love. First your going to need to get your fathers wood handled axe from the garage or tool shed. It is quite redeeming to amputate one appendage from your love each time she shouts out in protest, for you are removing a part of her just the way her selfish, uncaring soul removed a part of you. In a short while her protests will cease as she passes out from the pain and you can once more admire her silent beauty.
Disposing of That Which Makes You Ill.
For all these years every waking moment was lived in the name of Isabel. I ate, slept and drank for her. Oh did I drink for my sweet Isabel…. Many young chaps have I seen take the punishment of a crush, the long hours labored over an unrequited love merely to be paid off in a pitying glance from across the room as her supposed “boyfriend” fondles her pale fine skin. At this point in the relationship between you and your love it is safe to say that something needs to be done to take it to the next level, the long term. While many stronger men would gracefully end this charade by politely informing the girl of their discontent, I find that the only way to rightly rid yourself of this emotional angst is to rid it of it’s source.
Isabel sat quietly in her room (a four by five closet in the basement of my parents home where I had locked her for a few days.) waiting for what my will and whim desired her. I returned to my trusty axe (I recommend a good sturdy brand as can be found at your local Sears in the tool department, best prices too.) and began to prod my dearest Isabel with the business end of my shiny tool. I recommend starting with legs and thighs first as that they are generally the meatier part of the body and therefore you will need fresh strength to pry them free of the torso.
I was lucky to be in love with my sweet heart for Isabel’s small, fragile body came apart easily like a frog being dissected in tenth grade biology class. Pretty soon what had once been a vibrant beautiful girl was nothing more then a pile of rose colored flesh and guts. I considered making love to the pile, but on second thought decided that it would be best to honor my loves remains in a different method…..
Where Do I Store Little bits of My Loves Body Parts?
When purging yourself of the thorn in your side it is best to do it with zip lock baggies. These readily available containers will conceal the evidence of your love just as you concealed it from the world. Once you have secured your beautiful in these air tight bags it is nice to be a touch sentimental with where you store them:
I have a heart shaped pendant that I wear around my neck that now holds a piece of Isabel’s tongue. Now I will forever posses a piece of the mouth that would not kiss me, in my closet keep I a jar filled with the heart that would not love me and in dresser draw lies the ear that would not listen to my sweet poetry. Isabel, oh Isabel it did not have to end this way. Her delicate features continue to spark a happy radiance throughout my home and property.
If this method of disposal does not sit well with you, I suggest you try what I call the ultimate gesture of true love. In a way this method will allow you to be in union with your lover for a long while after she is no longer gracing her beauty across the mortal earth. By this I mean for you to ingest her, taking her into your mouth in an erotic postmortem kiss: Blend pieces of your sweet heart into your favorite milk shake, or better yet pop them onto the George Forman Grill with some vegetables.
How Do I Ensure That The Relationship Last Forever?
For how long did I wish to unite with my precious Isabel in a beautiful congress of unbridled passion? Years? Decades? Perhaps, but love is timeless. I will love my sweet Isabel for millennium. And I suggest that if you are as committed as I am you will follow suit, and be united with your love in heaven or hell for eternity. As I write this I am tying a noose around my neck, which shall decapitate my forlorn, love ached head. I am very excited for I shall soon reunite with my Isabel.
If and when you decide to forever commence your love for your sweetheart there are several methods to consider: take a revolver shoot yourself in the temple, over dose, slit your wrists with the axe you used to dismember your love.
Your friends and family will understand. For love is about making sacrifices.
