I have always had a fond nostalgia for the month of November. Home in England, the post Halloween days are filled with anticipation as we await Guy Fawkes or Bonfire Night which falls on November 5th. We celebrate Fawkes’ 400 year old failure to burn down the houses of parliament and subsequent execution by setting off fireworks and burning his effigy (which, incidentally is where the American slang, “guy” comes from) on top of a huge bonfire. It’s a wholesome family affair. Children are even encouraged to make the guys themselves so that their parents can pour gasoline on them and torch them that evening. Now imagine Independence Day with some effigy burning set to the fireworks traditional backdrop… That’s what I’m talking about. Here are some great American holidays, and why they are just plain silly.

Columbus Day

In itself this celebration is stupid because it celebrates man’s failure. Chris Columbus was pretty fucking lost when he discovered America, and then he thought he was somewhere else altogether. Bring on “Vietnam Day.”

Thanksgiving

This is best described by one of the Pilgrim children in a letter of thanks to the Indians…

“Dear Indians,
Thank you for the turkey. It was great. I was so hungry after the long journey, but it was worth it so we could worship God in our own, really special, kind of weird way, and persecute people without fear of being persecuted ourselves. This is also why I am thanking God for you, my red-skinned friends. Thank you Indians, for giving us land to take, crops to pillage, and a people to disperse and destroy.”

Independence Day

I’m really not going to pick on this one. I thought Will Smith was great, and honestly, who doesn’t love Jeff Goldblum? He was great in “The Fly.”

Martin Luther King Jr. Day

Celebrating racial equality is great. Naming EVERYTHING after Martin Luther King Jr. is ridiculous. Everyone in this country lives near a Martin Luther King Jr. Avenue/Boulevard/Street or whatever. There are more MLK schools than there are any other sorts of school. When I persuade some naïve American teenager to bear my young, there will probably be a mandate in place that obliges me to name my first born son, Martin Luther King Jr. Gibbs. I’m just looking forward to the day when Main Street in Disneyland becomes, “Martin Luther King Jr. Main Street,” and Mickey can prance down the road singing, “We Will Overcome.”

St. Patrick’s Day

You are not Irish – you’re American – but I guarantee you’ll pull a distant Irish ancestor out of your ass come St. Paddy’s Day. More Americans claim Irish or Scottish lineage than both countries could feasibly have produced since a few of them settled in America! You’re more English than you are anything else, so start acting like it. This year I’m making a new t-shirt for St. Patrick’s Day: “Kiss me I’m English and my people raped and pillaged the Irish for centuries.”

Women’s Equality Day

When I found out that this is actually a legitimate national observance, I almost wet myself.

Parents’ Day

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day simply weren’t enough. Let’s celebrate parenting and America’s inability to do it. Wisconsin based hippies have started printing, “A baby is for life, not just nine-months after graduation” bumper stickers, and all I can think of is – who will celebrate me when my parents become incontinent amnesiacs and I have to pay for them to be cared for?

Labor Day

Paradox: celebrate work and workers by not working.

Sadie Hawkins Day

This is the greatest uncelebrated holiday in America. Girls going after guys as guys would girls. Should be imposed upon women, nationally, lesbians included, although they may be permitted to go on dates as a couple. A hot couple. A hot couple that makes out.