Everyone needs someone to talk to. Life can be so rough that if you can’t talk to someone and let it all out you could just explode. Like many college students, my pal and confidante is beer. Beer is always there for me. It helps me through those tough times. It gives me advice. It encourages me when I have a really stupid idea. Here are some of the few things I can recall my beer saying to me during our many escapades.

• Had a bad day? Have a drink. I’ll make you feel better.
• Had a great day? Have a drink. Let’s celebrate.
• Aww come on. I’ve only been sitting out in the sun for a few days.
• Keep dancing. That girl is totally digging it. You own The Running Man.
• Check it out… karaoke!
• Have another one. You don’t have to be at work until 10:00.
• I’m sorry you lost your job. Here, have a drink.
• It sure is hot. Why don’t you take off your pants.
• That girl is checking you out. You should go over there and get her number. Remember to spit on her while your talking. She looks like she’s really in to that kind of stuff.
• You should be wearing a hat. Those pants on the floor will do.
• Don’t listen to what they’re saying. You’re not an alcoholic. Your mom and your probation officer are just jaded.
• Did you mix me with vodka? You know I hate vodka. I’m gonna kick your ass later for this.
• Complete honesty is the best policy. Go ahead and tell her about the stripper in Rochester. While your at it you should probably tell her that she really does look fat in that out fit.
• I’m sorry that your girlfriend broke up with you. Here, have a drink.

I hated that job anyway. My ex-girlfriend was a bitch from the day we met. And I totally made out with that girl who was checking me out at that party where I had my pants on my head. Thank you, beer, for always being there. Thank you.

P.S.
I really am sorry about the vodka. It won’t happen again.